Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Well Then

I'm very sorry about my freak out yesterday.  Not that I had it, but perhaps that I felt I needed to display it.  If W.'s not around, I don't have any other outlet; and you, my trusty friend, since this blog is about saying things that no one else will, get to see *all* parts of the process.

I almost resorted to old behaviour last night, that was neither productive nor healthy.  The testament that I'm sitting and writing to you about it today shows you me how much stronger I've become (since the years I adopted said behaviour).  I'm still having a meltdown, but I will do so more quietly and slowly, until I figure out what's going on and what I want to do next.

I came close to calling off my get-together last night.  People are completely missing the fact that it's an opportunity to say goodbye and that they're coming to see *me*, not so they can be here to turn it into a party and be with 50 other people.  I'm not saying that's not a nice side effect, I'm just saying it wasn't my intent.  So why would I want to plan something for someone else, and not what I originally wanted to do - for me?  I'm not trying to make it all about me, but you know what.. it's about me.  This also helps my grieving process and I have to accept the situation for what it is.  If people wanna come along for the ride, fantastic.  Hop on.  But don't say I didn't warn ya ;)

I have a hair appointment in just over an hour.  It will be a miracle if I make it dressed and out on time; I'm just sort of in sloth mode.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I Need to Vent

K.. you have to understand I'm stressed out.  This is common knowledge, right?  Not only on top of that, but I'm now trying to organize a get-together that no one else was willing to hold for me, in lieu of said stress.  I CAN'T ORGANIZE PARTIES RIGHT NOW, but you know what, it seems like I have to.

I posted said get-together on Facebook as an event and listed it as Open House style - you come when you're able to come.  This is not a chance for me to list something from 7pm onwards and someone say to me, "I can't make it, I'm working that afternoon."  This encourages said person if they can't come in the evening, to stop by and say hi in the morning or early afternoon, or whenever.  Likewise, I have a friend who prefers to come when there's not so many people here, so earlier in the day.

An old co-worker/friend stopped by this morning to drop off a cooler for ice.  She said people are wondering what time to come.  I said, "It's open house style, they can come whenever."  She looked at me with a blank stare wondering wtf I'm talking about.  Now, she's younger than I am by several years, if not close to 10.  Does the concept or term "Open House" only apply to older folk?  Are we the only ones that know what this means?  Or do people not know how to fucking read?  Cause that wouldn't surprise me at all either.  But then another friend of mine posted on the event (who's the same age as me) wondering what time to come.  So I'm starting to think PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING READ.  I get that parties and get-togethers are usually a set time and I get I'm branching OUT FROM THE NORM just so I can fucking see people before I leave.  Sue me.

Seriously?  This is making me want to cry?  THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T ORGANIZE MY OWN PARTY RIGHT NOW.


Saturday, June 8, 2013

So You Think You're Envious?

Common phrases I'm told is that people are envious, how brave I am, what a great thing it is I'm doing, how happy I'll be.

This?  This right now, is not happy.  This right now is done with dealing with people who AREN'T GETTING THAT I'M LEAVING.  This, right now, is done with people who don't seem to care about how I've worked with them for 5.5 years and treat my last day with them as any other.  This, right now, is done with family who have only starting to attempt making plans 3 WEEKS BEFORE I LEAVE.  This, right now, is me **so** stretched thin, that I barely have everyone and every thing covered before I go.  This right me so stressed out that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.

This is the dark side of moving somewhere far away.  Yes, there will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but it's not all fun and roses.  To pick up your entire life, leave everything and everyone behind is not easy and causes very painful moments.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

A Prime Example

Remember how I said my emotions can change on an hourly basis?  I told you I wasn't joking.

Just recently W. and I had an interaction; the way he said something was a trigger for me and I reacted 5 times more than what I normally would have with that comment in the past. So then he reacts in kind, and so on, to the point that I'm in tears and we finally talk it out and discover what happened.  While I'm disheartened to see I still have triggers, it shows how touchy I am these days and how the roller coaster continues.  Lately I've been excited (jumping-out-of-my-skin excited) about going, where after I had this nerve touched I end up in tears because everyone is suddenly trying to make plans with me at once and it's too much and I'm being stretched thin and there's only one of me and there isn't enough time and I already miss people and I haven't even left yet.

Did you breathe when you read that?  I sure didn't.


This is how it's going to be the next little while.  Be gentle with me.


I'm taking a bit of rare quiet time this morning to touch base with y'all; maybe do a bit of reflection and let you know how things are going in my headspace.

I'm a myriad of emotions right now: happy, excited, sad, stressed, anxious (more the good than the bad kind), scared, eager.  The list goes on.  It also varies per day.  Sometimes even per hour (I wish I was joking).  I also can't seem to keep two thoughts in my head at the same time.  Seriously. Also not joking.

This is my final week at work and it's a bittersweet one.  I've said goodbye to a couple co-workers already around the hospital. Yesterday was a bit difficult (having to say goodbye to a direct co-worker, someone I work close to).  Thursday-Sunday are my last shifts.  I've spent over 5 years in that hospital (when I wasn't sure I'd stay more than a couple) and as much as there were times I didn't like some of my co-workers whether I like it or not, they've helped shaped who I am.  They've contributed to my personality, my work ethic (this is a big one), my mannerisms, changing how I interact with people in business.  They've helped shape *who I am* and I've sort of become pretty proud of that person, so I'm very grateful for these experiences and the people who've contributed to them.  So yeah, it'll be hard to say goodbye.

My stuff.  Ugh.  Getting rid of/selling/donating etc my personal items has been one of the most difficult processes.  I'm getting a hard lesson in pride, let me tell you.  Lesson #1 - Your material items hold no monetary value after ownership, and when you go to sell them, people want even less than that.  Lesson #2 - You will never, ever, EVER get what you a) want for it or b) deem the item to be worth.  Lesson #3 - It might actually put you off from ever possessing new things in the future.  At least, for the short term.  I mean, seriously... what I've amended in the past about my attachment to material items, has again been revamped to want even less than before.  Why?  What's the point?  Why do I want to hang onto something that will no longer serve me in the future?  Why do I want something taking up space that can be used for something more purposefully?  This is all coming at a convenient time of moving to a country that believes in minimalism and small spaces because they don't own a lot of things and recognize THEY DON'T NEED TO.  They already have the mentality that I'm just adapting.

I'm going to sit with that for now; have to get ready for a breakfast date with a nurse friend.  Hope y'all are having a good Tuesday :)

P.S - 28 days!

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