Monday, May 20, 2013

Today's Random Post Is Brought To You By The Letter 'C'

This is my brain on drugs Carbohydrates.

Brain fog.  Lagging (body 'tired', not wanting to keep up to head).  Extreme fatigue.  Easily affected by events and easily get sad, overwhelmed or needing comfort.  Want to sleep f-o-r-e-v-e-r.  Spacey.  Not in tune to present events, despite attempts.  Hard to track time.

Sugar is evil.

Evil.  Evil.  Evil.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

I Hate Decisions*

I've been putting off writing my next post.  I have a process: I get a mental list of things I want to talk about/rant/vent/divulge over time, thus a blog post is born.  Except the things I've been keeping in the back of my head as a running list... is still a running list.  Usually I've dealt with things to some degree before I write about them, in most cases, but these are constant things.

I'm anxious about seeing everyone before I go.  Not just seeing them.. but seeing them enough.  Which really won't be enough because people are busy and everyone has a life.  What hasn't sunk in for some people, I think, is that they don't get that I'm going away for a very long time (rather by cognizant choice or not).  This isn't a, "I'll see you next week, or next month or next year."  I don't know when I'll be back to visit, so it could be 2 years or 5.  Who knows.  And if you distance yourself from me as a 'coping mechanism', then.. I can't fight that.  But I hope that you don't.  / random anxious rant

I'm anxious about how to decide what to bring.  There's no clear-cut black & white line; it's grey.  Completely grey.  How do I determine something's value to me?  How do I decide what to bring, what to store (only in a Rubbermaid or two at my parents) and what to - again - discard?  I was having a conversation with someone this morning about it and the scenario about a fire was brought up.  She knew someone's house that had burned.  Completely everything in that house was burned to a crisp - except for a typical poly-plastic/fiberglass tub which should have been in cinders - remained.  It had all their pictures in it (yeah.. just sit with that for a minute).  When people have a fire, they often feel violated.  That choice to 'keep or throw away' has been taken from them.  Then there's the other spectrum where some people can't even fathom parting with all their earthly desires.  Purge?  Have to depart with items?  No way!  I'm too comfortable in my marble-encased bathroom.  Me?  I'm in the middle.  I cannot take everything with me, yet I don't have to let everything go.  And I hate it.

Another thing that causes me anxiety? (Wow, are you sure you want to keep reading?)  Between giving up my key at this place and before I get to our home there, I will have no keys on my keychain.  Key-less.  For like.. a day (or maybe two).  That sends me right into panic attack mode.  Right, so, we're going to skip over this topic.

Okay, okay.. I owe you some good stuff.  I get to start a life in an absolutely beautiful country.  The people I've met so far from there have been very kind and sweet.. and if they're any representation of the rest of the population, I have no doubts I'll befriend half of the country in no time ;)

I get to have a new adventure.  I've been *dying* for a new adventure for years.  I really need to see this for what it is.  I mean.. I'm going to be living a fairy-tale romance in Europe.  EUROPE.  I'm pretty damned lucky.  I just wish my body wasn't feeling so laggy so it could catch up with my mind.  Bleh.

I still have alcohol in a cabinet (okay really, it's in a wicker basket still from the move) that needs to be consumed before I leave.  Yo.  Who's up?

Okay.. I should stop procrastinating and do stuff.  W.'s not online for another couple hours, so I have to bide my time 'till then.  Hope y'all are having a good Tuesday!

*While this statement at this time is very true, I'm blessed and I see I'm fortunate that I have the ability to make decisions (so I don't mean to complain).  

Thursday, May 9, 2013

For the Rest of You...

I forgot a couple of you don't have Facebook and haven't seen the date I announced for my departure.  Sorry 'bout that.  After the wrath that was Facebook happened, I just sort of had to take some time for myself for it to sink it and receive everyone's comments.

Leaving: July 3rd.

Yeah, it's soon.  About a month and a half.  I'd been keeping an eye on ticket prices and they were starting to rise $200+, so I had to jump at it.  And really, I just want to be there.  We're excited to start our life together.

I've received all sorts of comments; most great, a couple not so.  I get that it's difficult to process.  It is for me too, sometimes.  People are processing, "Oh, she's actually doing what she said she was going to do.  Wow."  Shock is the common response.  Given.  Still, I persevere and am trying to get things done on a daily basis that need to be taken care of; cancellations, closure of accounts, discarding items, organizing, etc.  I don't do well when there's a hundred things that need to be done.  I procrastinate.  A lot.

I shouldn't sit here too long.  There are things I need to get up and do (or not do and keep procrastinating) before sitting to talk to W. again before he goes to work.

Hope everyone's having a good week :)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Date Set

I have a date.  A date with a plane and a date with a very wonderful Dutch man.

The ticket has been bought.  But.. I'm not announcing that date yet.  Give me a day for it to sink in and then I will do a mass announcement.

Holy shit.  I just bought a plane ticket to Europe.  To move.  To live, to work in another country.  Wow.

W. and I had a very serious talk at zero-hour before I confirmed my purchase; what it would mean for us, how we'll continue to proceed in our relationship, acknowledging there will be good days and bad, but every day I will make a very conscious decision and choose to love him and choose to make an effort in our relationship and our lives - and that effort will be happily be met and returned.

For now.. I am very tired and very overwhelmed.  Not only have I dealt with the good today, but the past 24hrs I have also dealt with the not-so-good (Babu and finding him a home).  To say it's heartbreaking is saying it lightly.  And it's still not finished.

So I'm going to have a quiet evening, let everything sink in... and just chill.  I think I'm even too mentally tired for a movie.


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