Sunday, March 31, 2013

Clarifying (Easy) Assumptions

So I meant to do this in my last post, or at some point in the recent past...

When I count down, I'm actually counting down to a day before he's actually here.  He started the whole counting down business (he even found a site that counts down the days, hours, minutes, seconds.. God love him) and it's counting down *his* time, till he gets on the plane (he's 6 hrs ahead).  I'm counting down along with it, cause, let's be honest, time's not going to exist when it comes to that point.  The day or two previous will be a big blur.  And sleepless.  So he's coming on (our) 13th, early evening.

So.. today we're counting 12 days till he gets here (when for me it's really 13).  Just nod your head and smile and go along with it :)

12 days!!!!  Under two weeks!  Oh my goodness...

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

New Home

So yesterday I made an appointment to meet with my new roommate. We were originally planning to sit and visit and have a tea, but she wanted to go for a walk instead; she's a university student and has been studying far too long and wanted to get moving.  I'm all for that since I had to go pick up something anyways.

I knew I liked her when I took the place, but I got to know her a bit more yesterday.  We did a lot of talking and I've come to find out she's well-traveled, having been to several places around the world (and going to more this summer).  She's vegan (which challenged me making my regular brownies into vegan brownies.. and they turned out fantastic, if not better if you can believe it!).  She's also Dutch and from my home town, but I might have already mentioned that.  She's just a really, really nice girl.  Well brought up, seems beyond her age.  I'm a bit sad actually, that we won't be sharing the place much together (she'll be going out when I'm coming in).  Maybe I'll go hang out there a bit in the next while before she leaves; I don't know (she's pretty busy with end-of-term studying so not much time for visiting).

The weather was nice enough yesterday that I walked out to the backyard (did I mention it backs onto the river? Where there's ducks??  I saw ducks!!  And geese.  The geese might have to go.  We're not friends).  I might have to annoy you with daily duck pictures.  I apologize in advance.  No, you know what.. I'm not going to feel bad about it.  Ducks make me happy :P  It's really nice and I'm going to enjoy, I think, sitting back there with my tea or coffee in the morning, or at night, listening to nature, watching the lights and sounds of the city. Another reason I'm anxious to get over there; it's a beautiful neighbourhood and should be a bit quieter than what I'm used to now.  I'm surrounded by wonderful old homes.  Seems like a family neighbourhood?  But I'm not sure yet; everyone's still hibernating.

This place makes me very happy.  It's got a good feel about it.

So... I've got the key and I'll start moving stuff in anytime; maybe this weekend when M. comes to visit (sorry, M., but hey, you get to see the new place) :D  Not that I have much packed up.  Sigh.  I'm not doing very well with this.  I could use help (volunteers?  Anyone?  Beuller?).

And it's Easter weekend (or as I've learned, Paasweekend, in Dutch).  Can't wait for M.'s visit, and maybe plan a special meal.  I'll get around to that as soon as I finish two projects on the go, packing, organizing, work, choir/church, cleaning, figuring things out about Babu, sorting stuff for donation......................


Counting Down

17 days!!!!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Forgot to Mention...

24 days :)


It's been a while since I've done a bare-all post so I thought about sharing this with you.

Internal demons are never-ending, I think.  It's only how much head-space we give them that shows their predominance through our lives.  Regardless of how many times you're told "I love you," it feels it never erases the past; a past that has over-written your self confidence time and time again despite your best attempts.  A past that has made you feel you're insignificant, that you don't matter, that you're somehow less than everyone else ~ by the most significant and potentially influential people in your life at that time.  Oh yes dear reader, I see the craziness in the previously written sentences, but they're still a reality and I have to honour them as such.  Even though I am much smarter today than I was yesterday, building yourself back up takes work and isn't done overnight (which thus reminds me of the quote, "Rome wasn't built in a day").  Indeed Rome wasn't built in a day.  It was completed, I'm sure, with collaboration, discussion, unity, vision, passion, strengths (and weaknesses), support, reliance on other people.  Funny how a description of building a city can so relate to building our selves.  We can't always do it alone.

But does a less-than-perfect past give much excuse to my demons today?  Why can't I just fully accept that I am loved?  Should it be that easy?  IS it that easy?  Part of me wants to say yes.  Part of me thinks I can decide anything I want and I could rightly decide that I *am* loved ~ and believe it.  But then a voice in the back of my head questions if I'm worth it, if I'm deserving of it.  Ahhh.. negative self talk rears his ugly head again.  It shouldn't be a matter of questioning; we're all human thus deserve to be loved.  The mere fact that we exist on this earth earns us the right to be loved and respected in some manner or form.

Someone said to me today it's easier to say negative self-talk to ourselves than an affirmation.  The affirmation may very well be true, but it's still more difficult to say.  Only does an affirmation hold weight when we hear it repeatedly (and, okay, maybe some self-work thrown in there somewhere).  They say it takes 10 positives to over-ride 1 negative and I like to think this has some merit.  Why can't we just let the negative go?  What purpose does hanging onto it serve us?

I was having a particular conversation with my significant other today and (after hearing things a) I needed to at the time and b) repeatedly) I've come into another phase of transition... of letting go...growing up & being better than my demons... of not being afraid to believe the good for once ~ and most importantly ~ believing him when he says he loves me, that I matter and I'm important.  I'm going to try to see what it feels like to live a life with the attitude that my negative self-talk doesn't exist.  I wonder if my perception will change or if others (i.e my loved one's) perception of me will change.  This is new, so I don't know how good I'll be at it, but I'm darn well gonna try.  If I stumble, don't be afraid to help pick me up and dust me off.


Side note: Passport application is in (even that's a story in itself; W. says I could write a book on my experiences) and now I wait.
Also, I've been getting back in the kitchen a little more (it's been very long since I've done some baking) and when I do I realize it's been WAY too long and I feel the longing more.  So tonight I made my OMG Brownies - vegan.  And hey, they're still pretty OMG :)

Monday, March 18, 2013

Killing Time

I'm too tired to do a craft/hobby so I thought I would write you and keep you posted.

How has your weekend gone?  Did you spend it with friends?  Family?  Study?  Drink for St. Patrick's Day?  Maybe you celebrated your birthday ;)

Tuesday in Toronto went well.  It was anti-climatic.  We (my friend/neighbour C. came with me) got to the consulate early and when a gentleman was about to help me, he had to verify something and while waiting, helped (and put me behind) a family of 5.  Five.  With a demon-child (oh...faithful reader, you think I'm being facetious).  Which set me back almost an hour and a half.  In a hot office.  With said demon-child.  No matter, I wanted to deal with the same woman who's been helping me on my case so that was a small sacrifice.  Sure enough, young man went away and lady came back in.

So I'm a bit tense, right, cause I've gone over in my head a million times to make sure I've got all my paperwork and everything with me.  When I hand it in, it's a crutial moment.  This is it.  The end of it all.  Now there was a form she gave me to fill out; this was an assessment form of family history.  Like, a hundred questions.. names of parents/grandparents on both sides, dates and places of birth, dates and places of marriage, dates of immigration & naturalization, dates and places of ..everything.  It was challenging to get this information from my family because some of it is from so long ago we don't necessarily have the information.  So I hand this form to her and she says so casually, "Oh, I don't need this."  I let out a, "Ah!" in shock and bit my tongue.  I didn't care, I was almost there.  She took it anyways, it might help.

All in all, she put me in the system herself while I was there.  I beat the deadline.  I was in.

I walked around in a sort of daze after that, unable to make a decision (to the detriment of my friend).  Which is okay, cause we did some shopping.  I finally found a hoodie to replace the one I had that was old and full of holes.. *very* affordable at Old Navy.  Which was nice 'cause it offset the makeup I bought at Sephora :/  *cough*

So now I wait.  I'm told I'll hear in about 2 weeks.  In 2 weeks my life will permanently change, regardless of the decision (though I'm still holding on for a positive 'yes').  Two weeks will dictate what the rest of my year will look like.  What the rest of my *life* will look like.  Oh my.  Better not get ahead.  I keep praying.

I'm happy :)

26 days.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

This Is It

Well, I go to Toronto in the morning to file my paperwork.  It's all done.  After tomorrow I wait the excruciating wait, in the meantime carrying on my life as if I'm about to move half way across the world.  They could say yes, they could say no.  It can go either way.  Still, I think positive and feel this is the right course and things are going as they are meant to.

So I'm going to keep this short tonight; I have to get my paperwork in order and prep for the morning.  Wish me luck!

33 days.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

35 Days

Just over a month.  Eek!

I'm starting to plan our itinerary (this awful OCD side of me that needs to plan everything, which makes W. and I a perfect compliment because he's a "go with the flow/no plans" kind of guy) and plan meals (c'mon, you know I gotta bake some magical goodness to woo him) ;)  When I'll work (yes, I have to for a couple days because money has yet to grow on trees and which I'll regret every second I'm in that damned hospital), when to visit family, friends... and most importantly when to have time to ourselves.  There just won't be enough time.


Oh, and let me tell you about my paperwork.  A (very long emotional) story short, it took 3 calls to the Netherlands two days ago to get done in an hour what could have been easily done 2 months ago.  I.. can't even deal with how that all happened.  The Hague seems to be full of incompetency which makes me very nervous as I think it'll be them who'll be processing my citizenship and passport request.  I got more (and friendlier!) progress from a smaller municipality than I did the government's central hub.  But what do I know.  It's all over and hopefully this week I'll be in Toronto filing my paperwork.

I started going through some of my things, but I have a loooot more to do.  I don't even know where to begin.  I don't know what I'll need over the next few months or what I can do without.  The selling of things is going very slow which also doesn't help.  I want this stuff out of my apartment.

I think I gave up learning Dutch for Lent.

Oh!  So my landlord wanted to come in and take pictures of my place so he can post it online and I tidied up the best I could, but there's not much I could do with boxes and stuff all over the place cause.. y'know.. I'm moving.  Well, doesn't he come in, move some of my stuff and NOT PUT IT BACK.  I mean, even some things were staged (like random items on the stove).  A day later I'm still finding things that have been moved.  It's kinda creepy.

Babu; still trying to make arrangements for him.

Not much else to report.  Things are well otherwise.  Trying to balance life; stressful things with unstressful things (yoga, knitting, practicing Miserere for Easter/choir, time with friends) but sometimes it's hard and there aren't enough hours in the day.

How is your weekend going?  The weather outside is fantastic and I've shed the winter coat.  I might even go for a walk later.  I hope you're having an easy-going weekend, too.


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