Monday, July 30, 2012


That's it, I'm not going to ask how patients are anymore.

Here is your food.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Question Of Life

This is a bit heavy for introspection on a Sunday morning; I meant to write this last night but.. well.. forgot.  After work I kicked back with a movie and headed straight to bed.  So.. today it shall be.

I had a patient last night who didn't eat their dinner.  Nursing requested a substitution that I had to get approval for before delivering.  They were on a special diet - DMMOD, K50, PRO50, NA100 (no added sugar, low salt, low protein and potassium).  I called nursing to ask what they had/hadn't eaten on their tray to take in account for the carbs (I have to match carb level on the original tray).  Nursing said they were just diagnosed fully palliative (whatever you have is going to kill you, you're at end-of-life care), so they can eat what they want (at lunch they had ice cream!) :)  So.. cool.. I brought the requested item/substitution.

My question is this.... if you were diagnosed palliative, would you still respect your body and eat properly, or would you go full out?  Don't answer what you morally think you would answer, but answer the way you think you would *actually* act.  Hmm.. got you thinking, don't I?  I don't know the diagnosed time limit for that patient, so we'll leave that open (could be 6 months, could be 2 years).  What are you asking yourself?  What are your parameters?  Would you eat whatever you wanted?  Would you still eat within reason?  Would you eat within reason and cheat sometimes?  Are you highly medicated and without pain?  I asked a couple of co-workers and I got interesting responses; one said if what they ate didn't provide physical discomfort they would cheat, but otherwise eat somewhat properly.  Another said they would eat mostly properly and not go all out - if they did, what if that time limit extended to say.. 5 years?  You wouldn't deserve those 5 years.  Interesting.  What do you think?

I also witnessed a patient fall this week.  I hate that.  It's heartbreaking.  I get very upset very quickly when I see a fall.  I don't know what it is; is it the body giving into involuntary actions resulting in hurt (usually, to some extent)?  Is it not being able to help?  I don't know.  But it pains me.

I also had another incident with a patient; I was delivering HS Nourishments (bedtime snacks for diabetics) and walked into my pt's room (elderly) and she was crying.  I could have easily just walked out.  Maybe I should have.  But.. I asked what was wrong (this isn't typical behaviour of said pt) and it turns out she just found out her husband has liver cancer.  She was in shock.  Visibly upset.  Distraught.  A lot of in-shock/just-received-bad-news rambling.  So... I decided to drop everything I was doing and just... listen.  Nothing existed outside of that room.  She needed to talk to someone and I was the first person in that room after she heard the news.  She went on about how her husband was such a good man and now she's going to have to live in a home because she can't live alone at home (she's on dialysis) and she lost her son to cancer at 34, to which she got more upset (ugh.. that one hit me.  That's 2 years younger than me!).  I prayed quickly while she was talking as to what I should do.  So after I got her attention and got her to pause a minute, I gently told her not to put the horse before the cart and she doesn't know yet what his prognosis is, how advanced, etc.  "That's true," she said and took a breath.  Still upset, but not as.... freaking out like she was before.  I stayed with her a couple more minutes, had a few words, and left.  It was a little difficult to hold back my own tears, but I was able to.  But man.. it stuck with me the rest of the night.  Still does, really.  She's Dutch and reminds me a lot of my gram.  There is always someone in the hospital somewhere that will remind you of someone.. and that's good, it's humbling.  It reminds you why you're there.  You're helping to take care of someone's significant other (mother, father, aunt, sister, brother, cousin, friend or grandparent).

Well, on that note... I've gotta go to Mass!  Sorry to leave you with something heavy.  Will try to write lighter next time :)  Have a good Sunday!  Spend it with someone you care about, who cares about you.. or even do some self-care.  You deserve it.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


*gets smacked in the face*




Also after having said drink, I really hate that I'm allergic to sulphites. *sigh*

Monday, July 23, 2012

Kitchen Frustration

I just realized I would have more room in my cupboards (I'm constantly grumbling that I'm out of space) if I took my cookbooks out.  I would love to display them - but I have nowhere to put them!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

No, Chef

So... I'm going to make this post short and sweet right now.  I got let go from the restaurant today.  Via a text message.  While I was shopping.  Yeah, awesome, right?  (I know, it took me a while to process it, too.)  Said they're over-staffed.  To say I was crushed is a bit of an understatement.  Still am... and I'm fearful I've lost my chance in 'the biz' and won't get another opportunity.  As it was while I was shopping and it was impossible for me to break down in the middle of a shopping mall, I did what any self-respecting girl does when she's depressed; I bought shoes.  Lots of shoes.  And 'on sale' shoes.  I had to for the wedding in August anyways, so killed two birds with one stone.

I'm going to leave my phone aside and go and have a quiet night and get to bed early.  It's been an exhausting day.  Before you write back, yes I know the good that can come of the situation or the potential for better or.. whatever.  I *know* please don't write and tell me these things.  I don't care to hear them today.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


Studied or have an interest in sociology?  Like studying human nature or social trends/change?  I just read an article in the Huffington Post about the increase of divorce and opinions thereof from a divorce lawyer; "The Divorce Law Biz is Booming and Here's Why".  Maybe you agree, maybe you don't, but maybe it'll start some inner (or outer) dialogue.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Not Angry Anymore...and Ramble

So... I did some self-work and dove into why I am so bent on being a martyr.  Lord knows it's not healthy, for me or the other person.  I don't have an answer why (other than hypothesizing it relates to lack of control of things in my own life, though I don't think this is the entire reason) but I was able to detach from it.  I realized I've taken on a mother/nurturing role with, in essence some ways, the entire world (or so I said it felt like I had the world on my shoulders).  Having said that, I wasn't able to detach 'nurturing' from 'martyr'.  In my head, they were the same thing.  It's what I've been doing for 20-25 years and like I said, it's innate.  But it doesn't mean it was right.  So, I was able after a while to detach the two after a while and notice the difference.  When I let go of being this.. martyr.. I mourned the loss of this thing I was so attached to.  It was easy (I think because it was the right time), but painful.  I was sad.  Let me use a metaphor (I do like using metaphors, don't I?); when a mother 'loses' their child to adulthood, when they grow up and move out... it's sometimes difficult and sad, but also exciting.  A new relationship dynamic occurs.  So I'm going to do my best to look at it like that.  When a friend tells me they're stressed about something in their life (that they have every reason to stress about), I will let go, smile and comfort.... from a distance.  It's not for lack of love, it's for self-preservation.  At least, until I find a new happy medium :)  (P.S - does anyone know what The Church says about martyrdom?  Not the "sacrificing yourself for the faith" type, but the "self-inflicting pain" type.  Okay, maybe I just answered my own question.  Crap.)  Really, I make myself laugh sometimes. #dufus  (Don't judge; sometimes we just need to hear things out loud)  :)

I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift.  It went really well.  It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off.  Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that.  Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out.  Ha, now I know I'm crazy.

I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry.  Or I should say, my health.  I hate my body.  I'm sorry, but I have to say it.  It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging.  Like, really, really challenging.  I go several hours without eating.  I'm hypoglycemic!  This is not good for a hypoglycemic.  While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is.  Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for.  But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus.  The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job.  So.. I don't know.  I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can.  Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.

The weekend has been good so far.  Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire.  I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space).  But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together).  And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?

The lack of rain this summer has been a concern.  We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day.  I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.

Well, I think I'm done rambling.  I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands.  I wanna get out and have some fun tonight.  Have a beer, let my hair down.

Party on, dude.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012



Okay, I'm done. that got your attention.

Well, it wasn't meant to, so I apologize.  I'm just a bit angry today.  I could whine about a list of what's gone wrong (and the day started off so well) but it won't help.  I'm getting some food in my belly (and wine and chocolate afterwards!) so perhaps that'll help.

I've been taking a personal inventory of my emotions of late (and my typing; why is it so awful today?!).  Not necessarily what my emotions are, per se, but when or why they've been occurring.  Anger, jealously.  I notice I'm getting much more angry at (some) things than I need to.  Some things happening are a valid reason resulting in a rise in emotions, but with other things (or people), it's an attempt for control over things I have no control over.  I'll never understand why I'm getting angry at say, a friend who is rather stressed over something I see no reason to be stressed for (a major, though for the better life change), or having so much on their plate right now which is overwhelming them.  Who am I to say what you get stressed over?  See, I hear myself and it sounds ridiculous.  I think it's not like seeing my friends stressed over whatever pressing matter pertains to them at the time and wishing I could take that ill-easeness away from them.  I want to take their pain away.

So... what, it's okay for me to get stressed about stuff and carry burden, but no one else?  That doesn't sound right either (even in a very basic self-care opinion, why is that fair to me?).  The funny thing is it does sound right to me and that's what I want to do.  I always have, even since I was younger (*especially* as a teen).  I always wanted to carry pain so others wouldn't have to.  It's innate.  Even when my pain and their pain are totally different (different situations, contexts, etc), it doesn't matter.  I wanted to suffer more.  And it's not meant as a holier-than-thou sort of attitude, it's.. very humble or has its own humility in it's own way.  I just wish I could so they don't have to.  *shrug*

You might think it sounds like a lot of stress on me.  It is, but in a strange way I don't mind it.  I don't know how else to explain it all.

Now, if we could just fix world peace, we'd all be good, huh? :)  How's that for heavy thoughts on a Tuesday night?  I just finished my tea so I think it's time for bed.  Tomorrow's another day :)

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


Okay, the post title should be, "Awesome Neighbours" (ugh, I hate that it red-underlines 'neighbours'. Look!  It did it again!  I AM NOT AMERICAN!  DEAL WITH THE FACT I PUT "U'S" IN WORDS!)   /rant

So right, awesome neighbours.   I watched their cats for like.. a week or so and have done a few times this year.  Well, when they were in the States they hit up a Coach outlet and guess what I have now!  My first Coach product!  From the Poppy Collection, which I love.

I was speechless.  Okay, I might have been speechless and my mouth might have dropped to the floor.  It's not what I would have chosen (usually choosing a longer wallet clutch style, and the inside is pink which is getting me in touch with my girlie side) but it's perfect.  I didn't think it'd hold all my crap but surprisingly it does.  It's very easy to tote around with the strap (i.e - when I go across the street to the pub, I don't have to schlep my purse, as I hate to do so).  Also, when I was switching everything over, I discovered my license has expired (April!) and I never received a notification in the mail.  I have no idea where I'm going to find that money.  By August.  Ugh.  Anyways.. yay!  New Coach!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Battle Wounds (some language)

Not all nights will be like this, right?

Worked at the restaurant tonight.  Mental note: don't work at the restaurant Saturday nights. It was crazy-busy.. we were full up for a continuous 3-4 hours and I was working a *bit* slower than I usually do.  Not sure why.  Maybe because I had a lazy day at home?  I get most of my energy at/after 4pm, so I should have kicked it into high gear.  I did a bit, but apparently not enough.  I was caught up the majority of the night until the end when they clean the entire kitchen of food (the restaurant is closed the next two days, so don't want food lying around)... so that means extra dishes.  I got a bit of help, but keep in mind the help comes at a bit of a.. how can I say.. price.  They shouldn't have to help me and I should be able to man my station on my own and I don't want to ask for help.  Working in a kitchen is a very independent thing; everyone's got their own shit to do.  I get told to hightail it because the dishes keep piling up.  Then it goes like this....

"Can you please plate 4 granitas?" Oh sure, I'll just stop doing my 3 sinks of dishes
"When you have a moment, can you also clean under here?" A moment?  A MOMENT?!?!?
Oh wait, I just burned myself, run your arm under hot water while you attempt to work on said 3 sinks of dishes.
I just sliced my index finger open on a metal pan and I shouldn't get it wet or it'll never close. Suuuuure.  
"Sorry for getting on you Jody, but can you try not letting the dishes pile up?" THEN STOP MAKING FUCKING DISHES FOR ME TO WASH!!

Said burn...

I gotta tell ya, I hate burns more than anything on this planet.  Hate 'em.  I have no tolerance for them.  For many, many other things... but burns.  And getting burns in a kitchen is the worst place to have them, because you're always surrounded by hot stoves, ovens etc. and that just makes it worse.  I feel for my coworkers; one of them had a real bad one tonight (from previous) and I've seen all their wounds.  My sous chef said, "You're a real chef now" and gives me a nudge and a smile.. lol.  She's cute.  Yeah, I'll say I've made my initiation now.  This was nothing; it was a light burn and nothing compared to what some of them have (but it's always the small ones that hurt the most!).  So I can't complain.

So... I have to wash dishes for up to 3 active cooks, wait staff, and the full dining room of customers... and everyone needs everything at once (frying pans, covers for said pans, cutlery, dishes, glasses, pots and pans, etc etc ad nauseum).  Then at the end of the night when everyone's gone home (except one front end staff who's finishing their night and usually waiting for me, to close up) I have to clean up after my own mess; scrub out the sinks, mop the floor, take out garbage, put last of odds & ends away, what have you.  I'm sweating my ass off at this point because I can't doddle.  As it was, I got out at midnight (not a bad time, considering).

But you know what?  I can't really complain.  I'm in the industry I want to be in and I have to earn my way.  I know that.  And I know there will be bad nights (I just didn't think it'd be so soon.. heh).  I just wanted to vent a bit (so thanks for listening).  ... and I might have put some vodka in my iced tea, as I sit here.  Winding down at the end of the night is difficult and even taking a bath doesn't help (so I'm blogging to you peeps).  Every bone in my body is aching, but it only proves I've worked an honest days' worth, and I'm okay with that.  Shit, I'm telling you, I work half as much at the hospital and make twice as much.  My perspective is suddenly changing.  My PMS doesn't help; there was a point tonight I was crying on the inside.  I just had a hard time with everything.  Oh but hey!  I tried a watermelon (cold) gazpacho soup...and I'm'a'gonna make it :)  It was fabulous.

Anyways, it's 01:00 now and I'm tired as hell.  I think I'm going to attempt sleep and hope I wake up in time for Mass tomorrow.  If not, the good Lord will have to forgive me.

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