Monday, February 28, 2011


Borrowed from Z&M, this.. is sort of fitting at times...

I'm Sensing A Theme

Okay, okay, I can take a hint.  I'm not sure WHAT hint exactly I'm supposed to take, but I'm sensing I'm getting a gentle nudge.  Down a very steep hill.

Made it to Mass this morning (shocker, for the amount of times I hit snooze) and the Gospel was about a man who approached Jesus and asked Him what must he do to gain eternal life.  Jesus responded you must follow all the commandments, yada yada yada... and the man said he did all this.  Then Jesus replied he must give up his possessions; to sell them, give the money to the poor and to follow Him.  Naturally, the man grieved as he wasn't ready to give everything up just yet, for he was quite wealthy.  From this reading (Mk 10, 17-27), the saying is taken, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God".

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  Am I really supposed to give up everything I own, become a nun like I'd once looked into?  Am I just supposed to clean out my closet a little more?  I'm not quite sure because it hasn't been articulated to me. I'm home today and I will try to add to my already-growing pile of donation.. but there's only so much I can do (says me).  I was quite sure I recently saw how my new passions intertwined with a proposed career path... so I'm not sure how that fits into play.  I'm a little befuddled as to how to move forward.

As a side tangent, my friend is doing better.  They're weaning her off her meds and will try to wake her up soon, so hopefully that is successful (when one wakes up to see one has a tube in their throat, one tends to freak out).  So here's hoping it gets better from here.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Third Time's A Charm?

So the universe is indeed trying to tell me something.  It happens in three's, yes?

My first hit with mortality in recent history was with my dad's cancer (though some time ago).  The second, with my friend/co-worker in the hospital.  Today was the magical third - we had a bomb scare at work.

Now, I wasn't too worried.  Really.  We were in lockdown in the kitchen.  And you get used to codes being called (i.e fire) and it not usually being much of anything (false alarms and the like).  So I wasn't really *too* worried about today.  I thought to myself 'I'm going to die, or I'm not going to die'.. and that's it; quite calm and at peace about it, really.  Having said that, I think the universe is sending me signs.  Of what, I have no idea, but I'm not usually the type to wait around and see.

Went to Mass tonight and spent some extra time at the church afterwards.  JC was teaching organ so I hung out and did some thinking/praying.  Friend wasn't doing as well today I heard, so worried about her.

Not too talkative, or hungry for that fact, tonight.  It's Saturday though, and I hope y'all are having a good weekend :)

Friday, February 25, 2011

I Have No Title

This post is a bit malaise, so if you're in your 'happy place' I suggest you carry on and come back to it later, if you choose.

A friend/co-worker has been in the hospital the past week.  Recent complications last night got her in the OR in an emergency situation and is laying in ICU today.  She's intubated, sedated (I'm told for the next few days) and has 3 I.V poles each with 3 bags hanging.  Dude.. that's not normal.  Her BP is also very low.  It's one thing to see this as hospital staff; after time you create a skin for it and it doesn't affect you 'as' easily.  When it's someone you know, though, that's different.  First shock, then re-assessment, then slight shock again, then acceptance of what is. It's like your brain does this funny processing thing to understand what it sees.  I was reassured by one of the nurses when I went to go sit with her that she's safe - it was the first thing he told me.  That was nice.  I carry a chaplet on me and I prayed the Rosary.  I don't know how I feel about how she'll come out of this; my gut's not telling me anything.

Did a lot of thinking on my walk home.  A mutual friend of ours and I were talking (a nurse-friend) before I left and we discussed wills and how we don't think she has one (though the responsible type, she is quite young - mid-20's).  Well that always gets you thinking.  The last time I was faced with mortality was when my dad was diagnosed with cancer.  I thought about it then, but hell I thought, who am I going to give my stuff to?  Who would WANT it?  I suppose I should smarten up and think about these things. I'm not getting any younger.

I came home a bit worn out and changed out of my scrubs, looked around my room and instantly felt detached from every single item that was there.  None of it mattered.  No single material item in my apartment held any value.  As a side tangent, when I once studied Buddhism, I learned then about attachment to earthly things - and promptly got rid of a lot of stuff.  Right now I just wish I had nothing.  I don't even want to LOOK at these items I've placed in my apartment.  Instead, I find myself thinking about my relationships with certain people (and not the ones I suspect I would at first) and the true life desires I have right now.

I'm going to end this before it gets too involved.  I just had to let off a bit of steam, but thanks for the ear.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

What's Up, Doc?

So I (finally) had my long-awaited appointment with my new internist yesterday.  Not only is he young and cute (that didn't hurt at all) but he takes unorthodox approaches (which suits me just fine).

Consensus (and random points): I'm definitely not getting enough fiber (though I already knew this).  I have to increase fiber 2mg/day/week until I reach 25g fiber/day (I'm currently sitting about half or less).  Increase insoluble fiber.  He wants me to switch from yellow to green bananas.  Keep up on the probiotics.

Oh, (not so) funny story; the last G.I I was with I left because he was an arrogant ass.  I don't care how smart you are (and he was), you don't talk to me in your office and make me feel this small when I'm coming to you about long-term, very frustrating problem.  Besides, he said it was IBS and wasn't interested in investigating further.  New doc asked me if I've ever been tested for Celiac; I said I didn't think so, it had never been communicated to me.  Yeah, I had.  The last guy did it when he did my scopes and didn't tell me (they're in the same office, thus share records).  I was pissed.  Two years of wondering for nothing. Well, I can rule that out, thank God.

We discussed medication possibilities but he *gets* that I don't want to medicate if I don't have to and isn't pushy about it and he *gets* and communicated in a way about how we need to de-sensitize the nerves in the gut.  Also, he's sending me (per my request) for a bacteria test.  I'll have to go to Toronto for that, we don't have the facilities here (yay, Toronto day trip!).

The only downside of the meeting was he still thinks it's IBS.  Meh.  Fine.  I didn't bother to get into the whole discussion about how I think IBS is a by-product of another issue (I'm starting to think it's a moot point with gastroenterologists).  Having said that, we might entertain PCOS or endomitriosis (corresponding with other symptoms I have).  I need to articulate and write down my symptoms my next cycle.  But we're going to do that in our follow-up appointment in 2 months and after I try these dietary changes.

All in all, I'm pleased.  I'm leery to feel skeptical; so many doctors have failed me in the past, but I'm trying not to fail him before he actually does.  I'll think positive and do the changes he asked.. and we'll go from there!

Monday, February 21, 2011


Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~ Rumi

Friday, February 18, 2011

A Very Pleasant Surprise

I came home today after my second day in session at work (I'll get into these later) and having quite a productive day, feeling pretty good, I came home to this....

The Dean's List!  ME!  I'm in shock.  I've finally completed my first college course (despite going to school more than once when I was younger) and not only did I complete it, I excelled at it (okay, so it was kind of easy, but still!).  This is a big deal to me on so many levels.  The sense of accomplishment is...profound.  Now that I have it on black & white, so to speak, it seems a little more real.  A little more, "I can do anything".  A little bit more of a boost of confidence.

Anyways, wanted to share :)  It's not at all intended as gloating; it's just a personal accomplishment that meant a lot.

Monday, February 14, 2011


Right, so.... wow.  I don't even know where to start this story.  It's very shameful and I can't believe I'm sharing it with the general public.  I mean, I don't even want to look you in the eye after this.  THAT sort of shameful.  But knowing my past, I'm not surprised.  Sadly.  I might have to go in hiding after this post 'cause I'll be too ashamed to even associate with anyone.

Well, I've already told you once my mother seemed to condone my constant eating.  It was never discouraged, berated (well, okay, it was from my stepfather in an abusive not-so-helpful way and would always tease me, but I digress).  My dad and step-mother had problems (read: concern) with it, most of the time, but I just think they didn't know how to help, encourage, undo what was otherwise being done back home (fyi, I would visit my dad every-other weekend until I was in college or so).  I just wasn't with them enough to get more positive influence.  My (half) sister and brother were and still both are of healthy weight.  They're thin.  I've always been the fat one in the family.  My parents carried a bit of extra weight when they were younger but the older they got, the more they've lost.  They're each thin, too.  So amidst a total of 6 immediate family members, I was the one that always stood out.  Felt it, too, despite my family accepting me for who (and what) I was anyways.

Tonight I went out for dinner at Montana's with my brother, his girlfriend, her 2 boys, and my step-mother.  Everyone had all-you-can-eat ribs.  I... didn't; just had a burger and a gihugeous dessert (that my brother had to help me eat).  So we got to telling stories about when we were kids.  I told K. I still tell the story of how we used to have pancake eating contests.  See, Saturday mornings were our equivalent to everyone else's Sunday mornings; family together, big breakfast, etc.  F. would be at the griddle just firing them away.  Silver-dollar pancakes, mostly.  So K. and I decided to have a contest to who could eat the most.  No word of a lie, each (silver dollar-ish) pancake my brother and I ate was topped with peanut butter, Nutella and maple syrup (it was fantastic and I still eat them that way to this day).  Know what number we stopped at?  30.  30 fucking pancakes.  EACH.  Sweet baby Jesus.

So that lead to another story F. started telling, about how once a year the parents would take us out for brunch buffet.  I was about.. 8 or 9 or so.  It was the year my brother finally started to learn to calm down and behave (he was ADHD severely as a kid).  And it was the year I decided I didn't want to eat anything at that buffet table - eggs, bacon, toast (I used to be a picky eater) - nothing - except chocolate pudding.  Chocolate fucking pudding.  And you know what I ate?  JUST the chocolate pudding.  Wanna know how many I ate? 30.  Thirty chocolate puddings (there's that magic number again).  Are you fucking kidding me?  I said aside tonight, not quite so facetiously, "I can't imagine why I have a sugar problem today".  I said, "Why the hell did you condone that?!"  Nope.  They were of the mentality that you do something enough to make you sick, you'll learn and you won't do it again.  The more it was talked about, the more I started to remember the day.

I'm disgusted.  Know what I wanna do right now?  Purge all the food I've eaten all day.  That's how disgusted.  I don't even want to look at food for the next 3 days.  This post up to this paragraph was difficult to write; I made a lot of excuses and procrastinated.  But, this is all about facing fears and being honest, so I have to write it.

When I was with the "I'm going to lose 10lbs by my birthday" mentality and I ate more than I cared to, remember that?  I had the same mentality and emotions coming back; the feeling of having to eat as if I was missing out on something.  I had to eat almost with a feeling of being in a rush (it's the best way I can articulate it).  Why?  I have absolutely no idea.  None.  Niente.  There's a school of thought/psychology-based theory that we eat more to develop protective "layers".  I definitely had reason to develop 'protective layers' when I was a kid, but now?  I have no excuse.  I'm in tune with myself, I'm conscious of the world around me, I don't have anyone in my life that isn't positive, supportive or affirming in some way.  What?  Is it just that old habits die hard?  I don't think it's that simple.  I think there's more behind it than that.  I just can't figure out what THAT is.  I wish I could because while the world may seem like this is normal, I feel about this big.

I'm going to go hang my head in shame, now.

Saturday, February 12, 2011


The past week has been full of emotion; ties with the past, dealing with possibilities of the future.  Every single emotion has been unexpected.  I'm having a hard time getting over it because I'm usually on top of things, in tune with myself etc and know if something's brewin'.  Not this week.

Tonight when I went into work I came into an email (well, a hundred emails, which was also overwhelming, but I digress).  It was my immediate supervisor requesting information of why certain activities/duties etc. haven't been done on some of my shifts.  There was a pretty little list.

As a preface, keep in mind I'm walking into this email after not being at work for 4 days (not my choice, just scheduling).  On a side tangent, also keep in mind I've just recently noticed that I'm not in love with my job as much as I used to be; I'm not challenged anymore, I don't feel I'm doing God's work as much as I used to, I don't get to connect with the patients anymore because I'm moving around from floor to floor so much, and moving floor to floor there are SO many changes you have to keep straight in your head. Anyways, I'm starting to rant and I didn't want to do that, as much.

So I see this email and this list and I get pissed off.  It's not something you generally want to walk into at the beginning of your shift.  I start the shift, get into dinner service, etc.  I touch base with the supervisor I was supposed to chat with after dinner and we sit down to talk.  I've shut-down at this point and she can tell.  I answer her questions briefly and keep my answers to a minimum.  Until she keeps prodding for this one answer.  I lost it.  I fucking lost it.  There go the tears and I said, "I'm done".  Well that's just lovely.  Because what I enjoy doing most is sitting in front of my fucking supervisor, looking like I can't handle the fucking job (actually what I saw in her was panic that I was leaving and she struggled to see if there was anything she could do to prevent such).  So I'm really disappointed in myself (I can't even express how much).  I've let my management down with this stupid piddly list, I'm giving reason for my co-workers to tattle on me (which is another one of my beefs, but I won't get into that) and I'm not keeping up with the quality of work I require of myself on the job (and I've noticed this for some time now).  That one's been the biggest disappointment.  So you know what, maybe I did deserve to get in shit for that stuff.  Who knows.  It's woken me up and I realize the universe is confirming within me the change I've been curious about.

So what next?  I don't know.  I really just needed to talk it out.  I've got a lot of shit going on in my head and I need to sort it all out and decide what to do next.  Sorry for boring you, but thanks for letting me confide.

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Man After My Own Heart...

I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
For a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
For a heart of gold.
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
For a heart of gold.
And I'm getting old.

~ Neil Young

Thursday, February 10, 2011


Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don't unravel.
~ Unknown

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


The more I look at my (lack of?) girlish figure, the more I remember I used to eat less in winter - and lose - the more I get depressed that this year isn't the case.

So I figure part of my problem is that I don't plan.  I tend to be a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants sort of gal when it comes to meal planning (occupational hazard of living single).  You don't have to worry about anyone else, so why pull out a 5lb roast when you don't have to, y'know?  Some days I'm not in the mood to make an elaborate dinner, or sometimes when I am in the mood, it's too late and nothing's thawed.

I snack, mostly on healthy things, but sometimes not.  Dinners are the same.  I do have to be conscious, of course, with my IBS, so it's not like I eat total junk.  I don't.  Or even close to it.  But I'm not eating optimally for me, perhaps (I seriously wish I could afford to see a Dietician).

Right, so planning.  I remember the days when I'd live with my ex-ex and we'd plan and get groceries for the week.  I would know what I was making for dinner every night that following week.  Heavens, I don't think I've done that in... in...*thinks*... 10 years.  Hmm.  Slightly depressing, isn't it?  Just because I'm single (or you or anyone, for that fact) means I should be eating less well.  It's pure laziness.  Or preparing some food Sunday nights for the rest of the week (i.e pre-chopping veggies, or what have you.  If I don't prep them on the day I obtain them, I don't always eat them).

So I have to work around this.. whole... planning thing.  That is all.

Monday, February 7, 2011


In relation to a recent post, I thought I would add this....

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
~ Unknown

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Snowed In

CBC, I just found out, is hosting Saturday Night Blues show tonight.  I'm more of a jazz and classical girl... but I'm just in the mood for some good 'ol blues (I love John Lee Hooker).

We're getting a fantastic snowfall tonight.  It started snowing on my way to Mass (before 5) and I was covered by the time I got in the church.  Good homily tonight (don't ask me to repeat it, though, I have short-term memory).  To my pleasant surprise, I met up with CZ and boyfriend after and visited briefly, exchanged a quick smile with JC and battled the roads home.  Despite snow coming up way past my ankles, my Merrells held up.  I love you, Merrell.  Feet are warm and dry.  I'm enjoying the snow from my windows only now and am writing by candle light.  Oh, and accompanied by a nice, hot tea :)

Hmm.. now how can I broach the next subject ever so vaguely.  I've discussed with a couple people some recent happenings with JC.  Some people get it, some people don't.  Then I wonder why I discuss things at all.  I went through the same scenario with the ex (though an entirely different situation).  I think humans are funny that we need to discuss things with others to get their opinions, thoughts, observances, judgments (don't misinterpret that as I like to be judged, I'm just saying it happens sometimes).  We don't look within enough to slow down and experience what we feel (or I should say we don't slow down enough to look within?).  Our hearts, minds and body will often guide us.  We just don't always want to listen.  I might say I won't know what to do about a particular situation, but I know full well it's because I haven't slowed down enough to 'listen'.  Anyways, the whole point of me bringing this up is that I fear some people don't understand if I don't do something they suggested (and they may have my best interests at heart or are coming from a good place) and I feel criticized.  I went through this with K.  People didn't understand what I was doing (and I can assure you, as a result, thought I was crazy) but I found out not long ago it *was* for a reason and I did the right thing.  So.. maybe I just need to stop discussing shit.  Which is tough, because that 'being human to a fault' comes in and I like discussing things with my friends.  We all do that, right?  So... what's a girl to do?  I don't know.  All I know is when I quiet everything around me, listen within and to The Big Guy, I'm guided correctly.  So I guess I just answered my own question/rant/whine.

There was something else I wanted to philosophize about, but I'm at a loss now.  I think it's a good time to get ready for bed and relax with a book.  Enjoy your Saturday night.  Be careful if you're surrounded by snow; try not to go out if you don't have to, be safe if you do.  Snuggle up with someone.  Stay warm :)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I Have No Title Today

It's so nice to see the sun out today, post-snowmaggedon that wasn't (sorry, but with all the hype I was expecting more, though not surprised we didn't get what everyone was panicking about).  You'd think we didn't live in Canada....

Had some good mat time this morning.  As you see, I had company....

No Babu, that's not how we do yoga.

Up close & personal.  If he's gonna get in my face, I'm going to get in his.


Big stretch!

This is what I came home to the other day.  I didn't even get greeted at the door.

Other than that, things are fine.  Nothing to report about work.  Unrelated, I have been struggling with my weight.  I've vowed to lose (only) 10lbs by my birthday (April) and already I'm unsuccessful.  It's a funny mentality; if I say to you, "Don't think of fuzzy, pink bunnies" what do you think of?  Fuzzy pink bunnies.  So in my effort to not think about food, I have been thinking about food *sigh*.  It's a lost cause, I fear.  And with my stomach being sensitive again lately, I've been trying to incorporate more veggies.  I like veggies, but to snack of them ALL the TIME, bleh.  I've never been THAT big of fan.  So what's a girl to do?  I've already gained 5lbs.

Having said that, I'm finding new refuge in the kitchen.  The past few weeks with having more time off during the week, I've been cooking or baking up a storm.  New cuisines, adventurous new recipes (mostly French).  I made a delicious chickpea (warm) salad a couple days ago (I can't believe how filling it is) with sauteed red onions and feta.  Yum.  I'll get back into the French baking next week when I get more moolah.  Working in the kitchen now is different than it was before.  I can't explain how.  I just.. forget everything else and concentrate on what I'm doing.  It's a pleasant escape.  Nothing *outside* exists *in* my kitchen.  Just like yoga... nothing else exists when I'm on the mat. When she's instructing us in shavasana (relaxation pose), she says at that moment we're not spouses, we're not mothers or fathers, sisters or brothers, friends or lovers, we're not whatever we do at work.  We just need to be in the moment.  It's very relaxing :)

So... I'm not sure where to go from here.  I'm constantly looking for new things to make in the kitchen and frustrated when I can't (mostly right now due to lack of money; I can't go out and buy a boatload of ingredients).  Ooh.. but I did make a stew this week.  Yum. 

It's Thursday which means choir tonight.  Meeting with a friend for tea after 2:00, phone meeting at 4:30, eat then Mass & choir. Busy afternoon.  Hope your week is going well!

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