Monday, October 25, 2010

Late Night Banter

I sit here on a Sunday night.  A couple of low lights on, no electronics, so it's quiet.  It's about my bedtime, but I know if I lay down I won't be able to sleep, so I thought I would talk about a few things on my mind that have been stirring for a while.  I finished my second assignment, by the way, which is why you see me here :)  But it won't be long before I'll be back at it again (tomorrow).

I've been highly sensitive lately.  I suppose that comes with clearing out some old ghosts and making room for new.  With all the 'growing pains' that have happened the last couple weeks, I think things are starting to bring about an even keel again but now I'm left feeling...... well, I can't quite think of the word.  I'm over-reacting (in my head) to simple things people are saying to me.  Even random everyday shit.  I mean, yes, it's personal and directed at me, but I'm pretty sure it's not inflicted as I'm taking it.  So this causes more stepping back and.... maybe not even analyzing this time.  Maybe just.. stepping back.  Sit in the quiet.  Let things work out on their own.  I know it'll pass.  It's funny; the older I get the more I have patience for things, or the more I have acceptance of things (read: less OCD and control-freakish).  I suppose this is normal.  Perhaps I won't use the word "old", it kinda freaks me out (when I say a little I mean a lot).  We'll say.... maturing.  Feeling a little lonely tonight and a lot cuddlish as I think about sitting back and letting life pass by a little.

Oh yeah, coffee guy.. not so significant anymore.  Which is to say, he was, but it's passed.

Speaking of which, heard from the past last week.  It was good.

Well, I've been continuing to cut down on my sugar.  Hydra, have you been doing the same, as you've suggested??  What will I try to cut next?  Self-perception (and feel) of body image continues to be tremendously poor.  More work to be done.

Oh, having two visits by two out-of-town friends this week.  Really looking forward to that.

I don't want to talk about work. I'm leaving work behind tonight.

Well, I guess I don't really have much else to talk about.  I really am tired and should get some sleep tonight.

Oh!  I was given some basic music/singing lessons this weekend by a professional? Semi-professional?  I'm not sure what you'd call her.  Anyways, they helped!  I sung better this morning.  And I think our choir sounded REALLY good today.  Strong.  It was nice.  I controlled my breathing a lot better and sang a bit stronger.

Having a dinner party this coming weekend, with only a confirmed 2 guests (oh, btw CZ, I'm hosting; but we'll talk).  Small is good (and comfortable), but I was hoping for a little more.

Alright.  I'm tired.  My body won.  I hope everyone had a great weekend!

P.S - If you're subscribed via email, you may see there's been edits to past posts.  You can more than likely ignore these, I might just be adding/editing tags/labels.  Thanks :)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It Couldn't Be Further From The Truth....

As read with my horoscope this week. I thought I would grab a snippet of it as it explains what I'm going through (better than I can articulate).

".. growth doesn't happen without some growing pains. This is one of those weeks where the discomfort is the space between two comfort zones, and the comfort zones are the space between two discomforts".

Oh, the growing pains :(  I really hope it's alleviated by the full moon Friday.  I seriously need my universe to balance out again.   Until then, I'll be in hiding.

Monday, October 18, 2010

A Dream, On The Bucket List

I want to go here. SFW.  tyvm.


I'm not sure the format this is supposed to be written in, so I hope this is okay..

Fear less,
hope more.
Eat less,
chew more.
Whine less,
breathe more.
Talk less,
say more.
Hate less,
love more
and good things will be yours.
~ Swedish Proverb


I don't care for the title today, but it's the only one that fits.  The world has challenged me greatly lately and I'm about feeling the over-load.  Some people are busy and challenged with school or work, I'm challenged with self-reflection and improvement (okay, studies too, and that's weighing me down just as much).  I just saw how that sounds.  Is that selfish?  I hope not; it's not how it's meant.  Anyways, this is a brief (cryptic) post and I'm going to keep it on track.

I got a new insight to an old situation.  At least, I think that's what it is.  I've been having signs from the universe again.  I ignored them for the longest time, but as usual, the more I ignore, the more predominant they become.  How long does faith in something carry you?

Along the self-improvement line... the Leadership series at work is almost done.  We've got one more session to go.  I've already learned *so* much and have been trying to apply it.  The upper echelons seem to be impressed and I'm silently wondering if it's making an impact yet.  I'm changing; I see and feel it.  But I've entered into a bit of a .. what would you call it.. I feel like I'm stuck between two worlds.  I thought to myself today I don't want to do manual labour for much longer as much as I enjoy it (I'm not being facetious) but I don't yet know if I'm qualified (or ready) to sit behind a desk.  I want it.. and I look forward to that moment in life.. but right now I'm trying to even see if I can mesh what I enjoy doing with.. a desk job.  How can you reach and connect with people behind a desk?  I suppose people do it all the time.  I don't know if I'll do it at the hospital.  I'll continue to stay there as long as it challenges me, but as soon as I move to days, there's no more challenge left.  My mind is hungry for more.  The thing is, with union bureaucratic bullshit, it's hard to obtain any other position.  Anyways, that's a rant for another day.  Lot on my mind about my career.

Well, that's all I have to say tonight.  Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Friday, October 15, 2010


So, I obtained a Brandy Spiced Peaches recipe that you make in the crock pot, add brandy and let sit for two days.  Oh. My. God.  You must try this.  It's very easy and..... when you try it you're not sure what to expect.  Will one flavour over-power another?  Will the brandy have made it too strong?  It all melds together beautifully.  Not one flavour over-powers another, in my opinion.  Top it off with whipped cream (homemade, for me) and.. yum.  I'm anxious to see if anyone else is willing to try this and if you'd make any adjustments.

Had choir practice last night.  I seriously need to teach myself how to read music.  It's not coming back to me quickly enough as I'd like.  I can read it a bit and enough to get me by, but.. ugh.  Last night, for me, was a disaster.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


‎"I was with God, I was with the devil...God took me." 
~ Mario Sepulveda, Miner #2

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


If you don't show your appreciation to your people, then they're going to stop caring, and then you're going to find yourself out of business.
~ a branch manager from Wells Fargo Bank (obtained from Leadership)

Peaceful Monday

Remember at the beginning of the weekend I wrote that I wasn't able to (literally) sit still?  I have no problem sitting still today.  The majority of my weekend was 'meh' but yesterday was much needed.  I got to spend the whoooooole day with family.  We went to a neighbouring town for a "Soup Off" - various vendors/restaurants bring their best soup and you buy a soup bowl (made by a local artist.. I'll have to take a picture of mine) and you wander around and taste everyone's soup and vote for the best one.  Sadly, my parents restaurant did not win (though we figured out contributing factors to why) but two of the other soups I also voted for (there were 3 categories) won :)  A yummy mushroom soup (broth-based, not cream-based) and a Purple People Eater soup (yup - it was purple.. using purple potatoes and purple carrots).  I'm not a big soup person but a lot of them were very yummy!  And too much cream soup made me a little ill, but it passed.

Anyhoo.. got off track.  Got together with family in the morning for breakfast.  I can say it was the first time in months (years?) that we've all been at the same table together (time, schedules and distance often separates us). Even with boyfriends (soon-to-be-fiancĂ© I hope!) and pregnant girlfriends (I'm going to be an aunt again!), it was a full table of 8 (after being with CZ's family of...what was it at one time? Like.. 18? it seems not very much at all).  Went back to the farm after breakfast, relaxed and headed to the Soup Off.  Then after that we went back home, my sister and her family had to get back on the road and I stayed back and kicked it with the 'rents for a while.  I got home around 8 or so and had a very relaxing evening.  Did up some dishes (I'm sure they self-multiply) and took care of a few things that I'd been putting off.  Did some reading and went to bed! Zzzzzz....

Today I have laundry, some much-needed cleaning and my last Leadership session.  Don't want to sit around too much; the apartment won't clean itself.  Canadians... Hope you had a great Thanksgiving weekend and Americans.. Hope you had a great weekend, period :)  Brits.. did you have any holidays this weekend?

Happy Tuesday!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

I've just had lunch.  Babu's laying contently on the ottoman (post-claw trimming).  I'm sipping a very hot coffee (just eaten with a very yummy biscotti).  Looking out the window on this wonderful sort of Indian Summer day (with windows open a smidge).  I'm procrastinating, though.  I've vowed that I'm taking it slow today (after an extremely stressful week) and yet it's hard for me to just... sit here.  I've gotten up several times since I clicked on the keyboard for my first word and I keep intentionally looking for distractions. Nope.  I will force myself to slow down and sit here. *look at coffee*  *look outside*  *look at Babu*  *watch Babu roll over*  *get tempted to take more pictures of Babu*  *look at coffee again*  *look out window*  *hold coffee in hands to warm them while staring out window*   Geez, you'd think I was ADD.

Work has been the biggest stresser this week.  I apologize I can't say much (being aware of my potential audience) but I am learning more about people.. and not in a good way.  How people change, not always for the better.  How people can hold resentment and grudges and bitterness.  How respect for management can rise and fall to the day.  This is the week I wanted to look for a new job... and you know how much I love my job.  This week was the breaking point.  That is, until I slowed down yesterday and realized if I had any ownership in it.  Not much, most of it is with other people, but I allowed myself to get more angry than a) I'm accustomed to and b) more than I'm comfortable with.  I'm not an angry person.  Sure, I throw a good vent.  If I put my heart into it, I could throw enough curse words in to make a sailor blush (we should have a contest sometime, L. ;)  ).  But.... anger serves no one, least of all ourselves.  I account myself this week to being a less-than-perfect human (yes, it's an oxymoron).  I let emotions get the rise and didn't have enough discipline to slow down and ask Him for grace and strength.  I feel I let Him down for all the anger that consumed me.  So, I took a step back.  When people ask why I had a bad week, I don't discuss it (thus it would fuel the anger again).  "Just work," I'll say and I'll monitor my actions and thoughts and try to move on.  These are the weeks that I question myself if I need to look for a new job.  Or a new department.  Or a new career?  Then I stake another step back and realize some peoples lives are worse than mine so that usually makes me stfu for a while.

Another issue that has been on the back of my mind is my weight.  Every day I see myself and every day I'm not happy.  I had a big moment this week when I admitted to myself that I can't do it alone.  I just can't.  I've hit bottom.  I have cut down the sugar a little, but that's it.  Okay, maybe not really.  Yeah I have a little because it was upsetting my stomach too much.  Anyways, the defeatist in me is coming out again so that's about all I have to say about this.

I am strong.  I have physical strength and I have mental and emotional strength.  But, I fear you will not see that in these posts.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

As I Continue To Bare My Soul......

I'm not sure I have much to write about this morning, but I'll see what comes out.

It's a dreary, gloomy, rainy Saturday morning.  I was going to go to market, but I'm going to stay in instead (save money and keep myself in from the weather).  There's a cold or some sort of sickness going around, so I need to keep my resistance up as much as possible.  Lord knows I pick up enough from the hospital alone.

The past couple days have been nice catching up with a couple of friends, rather by phone or visit.  Much needed.

My mood was pretty low the past week though it's been a bit better as of late.  I've chalked it up to PMS.  I still forget my mood swings aren't as... violent, we'll say... as they were before on the pill.  It still takes some getting used to.  I'm still trying to find non-hormonal methods of birth control and I've come up with the copper IUD, but having a piece of metal inserted into my body semi-permanently sort of weirds me out.  Not sure about that one yet.  So the search continues (not that there's much to choose from).  I guess one has to have sex in order to worry about birth control. *sighs*  I joked on my status last night on Facebook that I need to invent Rent-A-Boyfriend :)  (ha, no, not for sex. The originating motive was because I was feeling cuddly.. with no one to cuddle.  That always sucks.)  Anyhoo...the mood hasn't helped that I've been can I politely say... well, like a cow.  I've gained 10lbs and it's really brought me down.  So, I've sort of given up.  I'm eating whatever (well, I can't consciously eat "whatever" because the "whatever" is dictated by my stomach) and the defeatist in me is not caring.  I'm alone.  Who cares.  No one's here to notice anyways.  Yeah... there's a lot of negative self-talk going on upstairs.  Yesterday was an odd day, though.  Yesterday I had a lot of energy (it could in part be due to all the sugar I consumed.  I'm really surprised I didn't go into a coma).  But it was a 'healthy' sort of energy.  I was walking around differently, standing tall, could do multiple stair runs.  It was odd.  Unfortunately, a rare occurrence.  Bleh.

I mean, I've been eating like it was going out of style (and it's all sugar, which of course, has been making me sick).  I know most of it is the PMS, because I don't always eat this often, but for example..... this past week at work was Employee Appreciation Week in our department.  There was cake yesterday.  Sweet, full-of-sugar-icing cake.  It was divided into chunks to be transported home, or wherever (to help get rid of it).  I had a small piece on shift and then I took one of those chunks home.  Did I need to?  God no and I knew that at the time when I had it in my hands.  I literally heard myself say, "I don't need this".  But I grabbed it anyways. So I was curious as to why I did (PMS aside).  I felt like a kid again; the 10 year old who always rushed to get the last of something, or seconds, or whatever.  I literally felt like her again.  So... what have I not resolved in the last 20-some years?  WHY did I go for that cake?  Why did I feel I was 10?  Why, when I was 10, did I feel I had to scramble to eat anything left over?  It certainly wasn't discouraged by my parents.  I think there's a lot on my mind right now and it is a problem that won't be solved today.  One thing to make note of, though.... I've noticed the past 24hrs (especially laying in bed last night) that my internal respiratory organs have increased; higher heart rate, faster breathing, feeling more anxious.  I never 'got' why diabetes (for those new reading, I don't have, but perhaps classified as pre-diabetic) increased cardiac problems, but now I have my proof.  I really need to calm down and just....calm down.

The Leadership series at work is going well, but I got a kick in my self-righteous ass this week.  It was a bit of a shot to my ego.  Lets just say I became a bit humbled.  It was needed.  I *hated* it and I was a bit offended at the time, don't get me wrong, but it was much needed.  Also took things a little more personally than probably necessary (who? me? you josh :)  /sarcasm ).  So I'm still working on this week's info.  I'm learning a lot about myself.

In fact, I think I'll start working on some of that now.

I'm not sure why I tell you everything in my head.  Some of this is really *too* personal of stuff, but I thank you, gentle reader, for being kind and not judging.  I've still got a lot of stuff to work out and I'm sure I'll continue to tell you my steps along the way, so thanks for the 'ear'.

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