Thursday, December 30, 2010

Babble

I hadn't realized how many days it's been since I wrote last.  I'm content, post-holiday hubbaloo and finding my groove again and keeping busy, somehow.  I'm getting a bit of the itch and kind of wish I had some vacation time booked right about now.

I'm not sure what all I can tell you about; life hasn't been that interesting.  I've been working days this week and I seriously need to get to bed early tonight.  Trying to catch up on late nights proves challenging (but I must confess, I'm impressed that I've been able to work days with so little sleep).

Here's an interesting (and random) dilemma I have; I have so many books to read.  So many.  And I haven't been able to pick up a single one (AND I have magazines piling up).  I somehow have a problem sitting down and reading a book.  Reading even used to even be my favourite before-bed activity!  But... nothing.  Sigh.  I don't get it!  I sit half the time on the computer!  Why can't I do it in my chair, reading a book??  It's so retarded!  Ugh!

I still haven't received the call for the new internist appointment.  I hate waiting.

Bleh.. I really don't have much to write today.  Went to a hockey game last night; it was fun.  Pictures to come.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Phew!

Boy, that took a lot out of my voice box.  It's broaching on 2am and I'm just sitting with a tea and honey post-midnight Mass.  We sang for what seemed almost an hour straight.  To top it off, we sang Handel's Messiah at the end.  We rocked it, though I have to say with our sparse choir, we didn't sound quite like this (I love that performance, btw).  It's hard not to get excited when performing that piece :)  We sang it at the very end and people just crowded around in droves watching us.  Ack!  Pressure to perform! (okay, I might have liked it a bit, I won't lie) :)

Aaaand.. it's starting to hit me so I'm gonna get to bed.  Back to sing it all again tomorrow!  Can't wait.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Best Wishes From Me To You

Wanting to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  I hope the holiday surrounds you with love and happiness.

All our best,
Jody & Babu.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I Need Your Help!

Okay.. so remember a while back I wrote about my friend L. who has cancer (multiple myeloma).  She's continued to beat the odds, despite having found more tumors.  She was given 8 months to live at a particular time in her re-diagnosis and so far she's beat it and is at 14 months.  She *can* be a fighter.

We were talking today (via text) and her emotions, understandably, are all over the place.  She's not getting Christmas cards out, not involved in anything and has fallen into a pretty serious funk.  Who can blame her?  But we need to help pick her up.  Well, *I* want to help pick her up and if anyone can help, I would be forever indebted.  I asked her what she's done special for herself and she doesn't believe she's anything special, that she "doesn't matter" or likewise, deserves anything.  She doesn't seem to care, though she seems really down about it.

I really need your help.  I can text this girl till I'm blue in the face (and I just might!) to tell her every day that she's special and that she matters (she matters to me! What a source of inspiration she's been!) but... I want something more tangible.  What can I send her, or what can I do for her that even gives her an ounce of self-care?  I'm not letting her give up on herself and I'm now rallying my friends for ideas.

She lives out west in Saskatchewan, so if I send her anything (and I can) it has to be mailed.  What is something extraordinarily special that I can do for this girl?  She's almost 30, has a love for the Barenaked Ladies (I thought about writing them about her and maybe having them drop her a line?).. hmm.. what else can I tell you?

Would love any input, no matter how far-out or silly.  Message here, privately via email, Facebook.. wherever.

Thanks guys!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Waiting For A Lull

Isn't it the way?  I complain I don't have plans with friends or family for Christmas and every day this week I've filled my social calendar in some way or form.  It's keeping me happy and not at all lonely.  Well, as much anyways.  My ideal Christmas morning would be waking up in someone's arms, but we can't always have what we want, can we?

I'm actually looking forward to some quiet time Christmas Day, Boxing Day if I have to have it; there is a ton of stuff around the apartment I'd like to do - including lounging around and getting into a book or two that have been waiting for me (for months, now).  I'll cuddle up with a nice blanket and a hot chocolate or two.  My room looks like a tornado has gone through it, so I could clean that, too.  Pop in a movie or two.  Snuggle Babu.  I'll fill the time.

Which reminds me, I took a few pics of Babu yesterday, I will upload them soon.

What are your plans?  Are you having holiday stress?  No stress?  Too many gatherings?  Not enough?  I wish you to be surrounded by love, whatever it is you're doing.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

A Little Calmer

Warning: language, again (sorry; it's brief though, I promise) :)

So.. a little more calmer about things now, though I'm not sure I'm any less upset.  I've just sort of gone to 'not caring' and riding each day out until Christmas is bloody well over with.  Sounds depressing, doesn't it?  I have to 'shut off' to some extent in order to survive the holiday.

Some don't understand the need to be with family this time of year.  And it might not be everyone's thing.  Maybe some people enjoy spending the holidays alone; using it as a bit of solace and downtime.  I can't.  I need to be around people.  I don't know why; all I can say is it's an innate feeling I've had, for forever and I don't think I need to apologize for it.  It's something I don't care about figuring out or questioning why.  It's just there.  I don't use it to find reason to enjoy my quiet time because I have quiet time the other 364 days of the year.  Thankfully, I find a lot of solace at church with so much going on this time of year, so I'm there a lot to fill the void.  Or at least, as much as I can be with Masses/work schedule.  As it is I'll have to sing at midnight Mass and I'm trying to figure out how to stay up for that one :)  I'll have to have a nap beforehand because there's no other way I'll be able to survive.

I got Babu an early Christmas gift - a scratching post.  It's not the caliber and quality I wanted to get, but, well, it was on sale :)  He likes it and uses it often.  I think my furniture is happy.

I feel something starting in my throat.  Not cool.

Haha.. I've got a funny story.  So, this morning I got up for work, CS picked me up and when we got to work and went to sign in, my name wasn't where it was supposed to be.  It was beside an evening shift, not a day shift.  Shit.  So there's me, CS and another co-worker and our supervisor standing there and I notice that I came in when I didn't have to and I expressed, "I GOT UP AT FUCKING 5 AM WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO?!?" *rofl*  omg.  I don't think I saw my co-workers mouths drop to the floor so fast in my life... that's TOTALLY made my day.  So we laughed it off and my Sup gave me a hug amidst my comical distress.   Then I apologized for swearing :)  lol  So.. I walked home, went back to bed for a couple hours (didn't sleep straight through, sadly) and got up and re-started the day.  I'll go in for my afternoon shift at 3.  The 06:30 walk home was quite nice, actually.  The wind wasn't bad and it was lightly snowing; there's something peaceful and quiet about a walk so early in the day.  But dude, going to your workplace twice in one day, not cool.

There's not much to report on JC, or at least, that I care to discuss here at this time.

Since my one other post though, I made a tremendous breakthrough about my search for particular men, realizing what I deserve, etc.  It's changed the way I look at the world.  Implementing the changes is going slowly (mental actions with physical reactions - I have to re-program my convictions, see? ).

I have a couple errands to run today; mostly for some food stuffs.  I made scrambled eggs when I got up and all I could put in was diced onions.  I'm out of veg, out of bread, milk.. argh.  And if you can believe it, I still have some Christmas cards to write out.  There aren't enough hours in the day.  Oh!  And I have to clean for company coming tomorrow...so I must attack the dishes in the sink.  My kitchen looks like a tornado went through it.  Yes, yes, company comes to see you, not your house, but I'm OCD, remember? :)

Happy Saturday, all.  If you're out and about, be safe; traffic will be crazy no matter where you are.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Ill-Tempered Post

Warning: language. Huge vent. Be advised.


So I emailed my sister this morning to ask what was going on for Christmas because I hadn't heard anything.  She said she was holding a family gathering for New Years Eve.  I said I can't travel... and even if I did, I don't have it off (I did, but there were changes to the schedule).  She's still trying to pare down a day and said our brother was driving over for the festivities. Seriously?

I CAN'T FUCKING TRAVEL!  What does she not get about this?  She knows my stomach is bad.  She SHOULD know, she's got fucking colitis for crying out loud.  AGAIN I am not going to be around family for Christmas and I've got the whole fucking holiday off.  Lovely.  I'm almost in tears.  I don't know why she doesn't get it!  We were discussing Christmas plans before and for the parents we were just going to have dinner (that town is just 20 min away).  So... I presumed we were going to have dinner with them some night.  Perhaps a faulty assumption on my part.  Her "dinner" is with the whole extended family in Niagara Falls for a day/evening/overnight.  *headdesk*

I can't take this.  You know what?  Maybe I'll hold something here.  I'll invite the parents and if K (bro) and his gf want to come, they're welcomed.  But watch.. the parents won't be able to come because of the restaurant.  Fuck.

I'm starting to hate this fucking holiday.  I might as well take down the decorations because there's nothing to get excited about anymore.  Every year I worry about spending it with someone.  Every year it gets more exhausting.  I asked Santa for a guy this year, cause, well, I'd like one and I think it's deserved at this point (but what the hell do I know), but at least if I spent it with him, I wouldn't be so sad about not spending it with family.  I want to start my *own* family.

Fuck this post is getting depressing.  I'm out.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

More Self-Reflection

Really, I wanted a break.  No rest for the wicked, I guess.

I was speaking with an old friend this morning (we've known each other 20 years) and I was discussing my current.. situation.. and he reminded me to go slow and not push for commitment.  Then it dawned on me.. I've always been like that (thus I said to him after a pause, "I've always been like that, haven't I?"  "Yes!" he responded.  Eek).  I was dumbfounded.  I really have been.  I remember that since I was at least.. geez, D. and I have known each other since we were 14.  14!  I'm staring at the screen because I'm speechless right now.  What on *earth* has compelled me since I was 14 to desire so much commitment from men?  And how do I make it stop??  And it's so odd that I would desire so much from men.. my stepfather was abusive (and other male family members) so you'd think I'd want to run in the other direction.  But ever since I can remember, I've had that hope.  Today's it's a lot more stronger and identified, but back then it was silent and reclusive but crying for attention.

I... don't know where to go from here.  And it's something I HAVE to figure out because it affects every single relationship/contact/friendship or otherwise, that I have with men.  I cling.  I don't want to have to cling anymore.  I'm sure they don't want that, either.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Hee!

I did my exam tonight and I'M DONE MY COURSE!!

Holy mother of God, I didn't think it'd ever end (the course, not the exam).  I'm a walking zombie.. it pretty much fried my brain.  I can't tell you how I did. Not great, but.. I don't care at this point.  Too tired.

Now I can get my life back a bit and my apartment cleaned and think about Christmas.. and.. a whole bunch of other things :)

Night, all.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

More On My Mind..

And here I thought I was done blogging for the day.  I have to post a couple things on my mind, or I know I'll just be staring at the books.  Well, so much for studying this afternoon...

Just came back from my GP.  Went fine for the most part, until we started to get talking about things.  I like her because you don't feel rushed, she actually seems to genuinely care.  She'll pull up a chair, face you and talk about things, asks questions, etc.  I told her about the referral the endo wanted me to get.  She's doing it, but she had a bunch of questions.  Again with what symptoms I have, saying how they're characteristic of IBS, could try diet, hypnosis, anti-depressants.  Then I start to get upset.  I confront her with the new info I have, how I understand things to work (cytology, physiology).  I get a bit defensive and to be fair, I think I'm entitled.  Doctors saying the usual gamut I've heard time and time again.  She said how it can be controlled through diet and I don't disagree with her.  She asked if I've paired foods into groups and I said I've been starting to (thanks for that, B.) with what I've been avoiding. She also thinks per the IBS, one food I can have one day (i.e apple), I can't have another day.  Though that is rarely true, it's not as much anymore.  I'm classifying foods into larger groups (fats, sugars), not individual items (though I am selecting individual items to fall into particular groups).  Make sense?  Oh, and she also thought the South Beach diet, per a recent study has been claimed to help people lose weight the most (I'd like to see who funded that study).  Not saying it's incorrect, but...

Then she suggested one day.. just one day.. I try not to think about it.  Right.  I said part of the problem is with agoraphobia you fear about going out (for whatever personal reason) and it's all psychological.  I worry, I have to empty my bowels, then I leave.  It's how I've been programmed for the last 12 years.  It's hard to get away from that.  I said I wasn't disagreeing with her, but that's just how it is; it happens so often (daily) that I can't get away from it.  She says it's incurable, one will never be symptom-free and I said I don't accept that as an answer.  I said it might very well be true, but I don't accept it.

And apparently I needed to vent.  Sorry for the ramble.  I'm getting sad again and I'd rather not.

Also thought I'd throw this out there, lest you think I was crazy.  I know you've seen my emotions waver the past few days with regards to JC like a freaking tidal wave.  You might wonder, "Jody, why are you depending all your personal happiness on another person?" and you would be right.  I know.  I've caught myself doing it.  No one should rely their happiness on another person, mate, friend or otherwise.  You need to have faith in whatever higher power you believe in that that significant power, or what have you, will take care of you and your needs and happiness, regardless of what they are.  I haven't been doing that.  I mean, I think about it; like, I have faith that God will take care of my path with whomever, but I don't believe it to the core that I should.  I'm now believing (and understanding) it on a deeper level.  People are impermanent beings; God, or that significant higher power you believe in, is infinite.  It will ALWAYS be there.  Use it as a rock, a stronghold, a comforting hug.  It won't fail you.

I Have No Title Today

Good morning :)

Just got back from Mass (Happy Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary! Which coincidentally, I also chose Mary as my Confirmation name).  Having a poached egg on toast.  And can I tell you, since I bought these Poach Pods, life has been so much more simple!  Yes, yes, I can hear my mother(s) and grandmothers telling me now, "Why can't you just do it the old-fashioned way?"  And you know what, on most days I would agree with you.  There's something to be said for tradition.  But dammit, I just want my egg quick, healthy and without a lot of mess.  Enter the Poach Pod.  Fantastic.  Boil water, cover pod slightly with oil (okay, not so healthy, but I'm starting to use olive oil vs. veg oil - my daily dose of Omega-3's) and crack egg into pod, simmer and cover.  Voila!  Poached egg.  Now, the only catch is the timing; I prefer my egg to be runny (else what's the point, really), but I accidentally cooked it too long this morning and it's solid.  Oops.

Things with JC are better and I'm happy.  Or at least, as happy as I can be for now (really... I asked myself this morning if there was any pleasing me.  I wish I was joking).  I think I'm starting to figure him out a bit more.  Honestly, I'm unsure why they have to make things so difficult, though I suppose women can't talk, can we? ;)

Been studying for my final this Friday.  Eek!  In fact, I should be studying now.

Got my bloodwork back from the endocrinologist.  Normal.  Everything's bloody well normal.  Thyroid (TSH, Free T3 and T4, antibodies, etc), magnesium and glucose.  I dropped my sugar so low that day I was near faint, and it's still normal.  Frustrating to say the least.  Now, don't get me wrong, I really don't wish to have a thyroid condition, but I was just hoping for an answer.  Seems we'll have to do a lot deeper digging and a lot more thinking.  Have an app't this morning with my GP to get a referral to a new gastroenterologist.  New to the scene, apparently, so lets hope he knows how to think outside the box.

I think that's all today.  Weather has been nice.  Cold, of course (we're sitting around -9C/15F) but little wind, which is fine by me.  I always say I don't care if it's 50 below, just don't let it be windy.  Snow on the ground, but not a fraction as much as London (a city to the SW of us by about an hour or so).  Schools etc are closed there and it won't stop until tomorrow.

Well, best I get on with things.  For those on the M-F work week, you're half way there.  Those in school.. be strong; another week and exams will be over.  Not working today?  Hmm.. maybe get some baking done?  Go for a brisk walk?  Stay warm, whatever you do! :)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I Wish I Didn't Have To Publicize This...

You know, I hate that I'm hurting.  I feel this literal, physical void in the centre of my being and I want to hunch over in hurt.  Things with JC have taken a turn (a few days ago) and I thought I was on the road to resolving it with myself, but, I see that I am no further ahead.  I hate that it bothers me.  I hate that I'm blaming myself so much.  I hate that I am in tune with things, with myself, with the universe...how I've been shown how things are meant to be, yet I can't voice it because it would scare him off even further (would he even be able to trust my 'sight'?).  Being in tune can be a blessing, but in times like this it's a curse.

I have an energy about me the past couple days that has been a nuisance.  It's like every molecule and cell is lit with electricity.  I'm fidgety.  I start working on one thing, then get up and work on something else.  I have no peace.

Babu is snoring.  Perhaps I should join him.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Getting There

I've been in this sort of.. mental rhapsody lately.  It's been a heavy, hectic and emotional week and there are a hundred and one things going on in my head all at the same time and I can't find any quiet, despite my best efforts.  Thoughts are rapid and fleeting.  Negative self-talk abounds, a little too much for my own liking.  My thoughts are oxidizing and fueling my anxiety into anger; one of the worst sorts of enemies.

And then it occurred to me suddenly as if a thought was implanted into this...chaotic cranial compartment of mine - you only get what you give.

In order for me to receive love in abundance, I must *give* love.  That means letting go of all hurts, confusion, resentments and the ability of not being able to forgive.  Forgiveness MUST happen to find peace (not saying that's the one answer to the equation, but it helps).  Anger must be discarded and not clung to.  Confusion has to be doused with faith that all will work out as it's meant to; not trying to search and analyze everything to it's most minute element to try and figure out 'why'.  Detachment.  Buddhism believes very much in detachment and studying it many years ago has helped me in my faith journey, even today as a Catholic.  This means opening up your heart so you can receive the love you so much deserve.

I have been too obsessed with myself and my own life and I have been given the grace to see that there are lives outside of mine (I usually have no problem with this, but the past few months have been trying).  Friends who struggle through university courses, exams and thesis'.  Girlfriends and boyfriends breaking up.  Someone struggling with debilitating cancer.  A family confronted with the holidays, just trying to make ends meet.  I need to stop thinking so much about what I'm having trouble with (school, men, work, money, health, faith.  Really, I could give you a list), and start thinking about those who are in more of need and how I can help them.  I have to have faith I will find the balance I need for my own items.  Then I'll get my reward; that little bit of heartily satisfaction that I've helped someone.  Though please understand, it is in no way my motivation.

Wishing you a relaxing and peaceful Sunday evening.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Quotes

I found this on a friends status on Facebook.  I borrowed it.  I thought it was sort of perfect for how I am feeling lately...

I am feeling perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, sure of my insecurities, absolute chaos...a beautiful disaster.
~ unknown

Friday, December 3, 2010

Good News

Well, it may or may not be successful, but it's a start.  For those interested, Monsanto's been ordered by the Federal Government (U.S) to remove and destroy all sugar beet seed plants.  Fantastic news.  Naturally, Monsanto is appealing and Lord knows they have the money to do it, but I hope this judge is as on his ball as he appears.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ramblings

Morning.  I'm writing you on a not-so early morning (it's 7am) with my oatmeal and milk.  Ooh.. I should brew some coffee.  Hmm.. my stomach says 'too harsh', so a pot of tea it is.  God will have to forgive me for not going to Mass this morning.  I didn't get a great sleep last night and wanted to sleep in a little. Even when I decided I could feel like crap the rest of the day, the rain was a factor (I walk there).  I'll be going there later today anyways, so I'll apologize then :p

Have a few things on my mind, so I'm going to spew my typical random babble.  Besides, it's been a while since I've sat and caught up with you, so it's overdue.

Work is... going.  Days are fine, though I seriously have to get new shoes.  The non-slips I wear are killing my feet, and my back and knees.  I think I'm going to wear normal running shoes with a non-slip cover.  I'm getting okay hours, but not what I was hoping.  Yet. Lots of changes at work so they're keeping us on our toes.  I think sometimes, they like nothing better to do than mess with our heads and see how much torment we can actually take.  Sadistic, they are I tell you.

There's a new special friendship forming (we'll call him J.C. ha! I just caught the irony of his initials).  God has definitely had a hand in this, so I'm anxious to see how it goes.  He's already been there for a lot.

When I see an opportunity of a potential relationship (not to imply *that's* where that friendship is going. It's not my decision and it may or may not and I'm not expecting anything, but to be fair, I'm a girl and this is where my head goes) I initially get happy, but then I get very, very scared.  I haven't been looking for anything (for a reason; I realized it wasn't time and I wasn't ready).  My point of view of relationships has changed (priorities, needs, expectations, desires) and when I stare into the eyes of someday having a major relationship again, ugh, I start to freak out.  Not in a bad way; I mean, it's good, but it's just that... well, I'm scared.  Not only for something new, I think, but because those new ideals are being challenged.  I don't jump into things heart first anymore (thanks K), or if I do, I keep it reserved (is this what normal people do??).  I'm scared of being hurt again. I'm scared of letting all abandon go and being consumed by something (though wanting it at the same time).  Boy oh boy.  Well, my eyes have been opened and I've been given a bit of a reality check.  Now I can sit back, try and let all this worry go and relax until something *wonderful* comes along.

That's a lot of philosophizing for first thing in the morning, isn't it?

I have to stay at home today until a shipment comes; I missed UPS yesterday.  Got a couple books on Amazon on the Black Friday sales (ooh! CZ - I got the Jaime Oliver book!).  Then I hope to run some errands this afternoon.  Please pray to the UPS gods I get the shipment in the morning, not afternoon.

I'm finishing my fourth (and final!) assignment.  Thank God.  Then I write my final in December and I'm DONE!  I'm so ready for this to be over.  While I love learning, my brain needs a break.

I need to start knitting again.

How's your Christmas shopping going?  I'm half done.  Some people needs additional gifts, some I haven't bought for yet.  I really should make a list.

Well, I looked on the radar and it doesn't seem to be letting up.  Ah well, that's why man made umbrellas.

Hope your week is a good one!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Quotes

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might as well put that passing time to the best possible use.
~ Earl Nightingale

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Pictures

While I'm sitting at the computer, thought I'd throw in a few pictures.

This one's for you, Bix :)

Just hangin' out.

Yum.  My neighbour has a part-time job baking organic bread nearby and I buy a loaf now and then.  It's as good as it looks.  I know this is really random, but I wanted to show you this amazing bread (really, who cares about bread??  Apparently I do).  

...and this is the yummy sammich I made with that bread (freshly shaved rosemary ham, smoked turkey, cheese, lettuce and I think there's tomato in there somewhere).  YUM.

That is all for today's randomness.


A Lot Of Changes

A lot of health babble.  Skip if this doesn't interest you.  I won't be offended ;)

Well, this morning I had my appointment with the endocrinologist.  FINALLY.  That appointment seemed to take forever (as it turns out, thanks to my doc. I told him it took 4 months to get that app't and he said that my GP didn't write much, other than "Hypoglycemia?", so there was no rush. Nice, eh?).  Fact 1: He liked to listen to himself talk, I think.  He did a lot of that.  At first I thought he was spouting a lot of usual b.s that's in the textbooks that he's studied and knows by heart, but it turned out that he *did* listen to what I had to say and he *did* regurgitate back information pertaining to certain issues.  So you can take that however you like, I guess.  He really did talk a lot and he was soft-spoken, so that was a challenge.  Fact 2: He listened to my concerns and I'm *finally* getting my thyroid checked.  In fact, it was no issue to him at all.  Fact 3: He was honest and said it how it was; "I don't think that's what it is and I think *you* know that's not what it is, but we'll test it to confirm process of elimination and to alleviate any larger concerns".  Y'know what?  Deal.  That's all I ask.

We know it's not hypoglycemia; I just don't have the numbers.  My argument is, why do I have the symptoms but not the numbers?  (To which I argue it might be hormonal.)  That, he said, can be anything.  But, we're going to look into it and he gave me a name of another gastroenterologist that can help; one that's more new to the scene and updated on things the other (longer-in-the-game) gastro may have missed.  He understands the last one just didn't understand what was wrong, slapped a label on it because they don't investigate further and done and wash their hands of it (to which I kind of freaked out and said, "But WHY don't they find a solution?!" Heh. Oops.  He responded, "Some things we're just not meant to understand. Why do certain people get cancer?"  Touche).  He also thinks IBS is just a blanket term on a grander problem.  When he said that, he won me over, because I've felt that since Day One.  That eased me a LOT.

Stopped in at my chiropractors office after on the way back downtown and chanced it to see if she had a spare moment to do an adjustment (without an app't).  Luck be have it, she did!  So I got an adjustment and we talked about things and she suggested a change in diet (well, duh).  Ready for this?  Instead of oatmeal and orange juice in the morning, I have to have steel cut oats (I thought you'd like that, Bix), egg and milk.  NO (orange) JUICE.  I might cry a little 'cause I love my juice in the morning (you have no idea.. I'm really attached to it!) but it programs my brain to crave sugar the rest of the day - and I do - so that's not healthy.  Basically she wants me to try the Atkins Diet for 2 weeks.  Even one week, if I can manage.  "You need to give your pancreas a break," she says.  So true.  Sigh.  I'll try.  But how do you change 34 years of eating?!

Gah.

So, we're doing some blood work and we'll go from there.  Not sure what else there is to mention.  Will keep you posted!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Quotes

".... that's because when you distance your self from your loved ones you deny them what you don't want, and in the end only you can only get back the experience you deliver."

I read this in my horoscope again (boy that's a good site) but I think that's a fantastically articulated quote.  Something I've been wrestling with lately as I find I've uncharacteristically built a lot more walls up than ever in the past.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Lest We Forget

It's end of day, I'm tired and it's past my bedtime.. but I wanted to give a quick word about Remembrance Day.

Went to the service downtown (as I do every year) and it was good.  We had a veteran key speaker and he was *fantastic*.  I overheard someone say that was the most moving speech they've heard ever - I'd have to agree.

I want to forward 2 sites to you.

Cup of Joe for a Joe - donate a cup of coffee to a service member for only $2!  It just might brighten someone's day.  It's easy and I've done several.

Soldiers' Angels - This site has various activities you can do; donate money, time, crafted items, write letters, etc.  Anything you do would be appreciated.

Check them out!  Wherever there is a service member, there is a family attached to them. The service member works hard, but so does the family - at keeping them all together.

The only thing harder than being a soldier, is loving one.  This I know firsthand.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Drink Milk?

Borrowed video from a post by Bix at Fanatic Cook.

In the States?  Drink milk?  Care about what's in your milk?  You might want to see this, a blurb about Eli Lilly, which is a pharmaceutical company in the States (as the video says, for example, they create drugs for treatment of breast cancer).  Ironically, they also manufacture rBGH, a synthetic hormone that is injected into dairy cows, whose milk is believed to increase the risk of cancer.  That hormone was sold to them by none other than.... Monsanto.  Thankfully, it's banned here.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Quotes

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.  Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.
~ Helen Keller

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Week So Far...

Just chillin' with some jazz on in the background, trying to take in the day.  It was my first day of being trained on days at work.  My co-workers and I are wondering why I was trained on one of the more challenging floors/routines at first, but I'm just rolling with it (I've learned where to spend my energy questioning things, and where not to).  So... I was up at 0500 this morning and oddly... it wasn't that difficult.  I was reluctant to get out of my warm bed, I won't lie.  It was also a little hard to stay alert, whilst feeling half awake, trying to take in all this new information.  I'm not sure how much stuck.  I'll have to wait till tomorrow morning to find out (I'm going to try to do most of it myself).

I had this past weekend off and it was good; had a small dinner party Sunday night complete with turkey breast, green beans, purple potatoes, apple crisp & vanilla ice cream.  Yum.  Oh, and with a couple of people I see not near as often as I'd like ;)

Monday was work while Tuesday and Wednesday were dealing with a bag of apples I got at market the previous Saturday.  I ended up making 5 mini apple crisps (to freeze - hopefully give as gifts and/or for myself at a later date), apple chips (first time.. and YUM) and apple sauce (also first time).  I froze some sauce and kept some in the fridge.  I'll thaw and cook one of the apple crisps myself to see how they turned out (I've never frozen it before).  Literally for 2 days I didn't leave the kitchen.  It was nice :)  I almost made cookies, too, but I was starting to get tired (despite my ambition).

Got my second assignment back; still in the 90's.  I don't think I've gotten 90's in my life so I'm still a little in shock.

Had a meeting with my department director today and it went very well; it lasted an hour.  She surprises me sometimes... for all the (appearing, to some) asinine changes that are happening in our department, she knows what's going on.  Or maybe she's just really good at bluffing.  Ah well, either way, that's why she gets paid the big bucks.  I got positive feedback from the recent Leadership sessions I took and she thinks I'm going in the right direction.  I got a couple of ideas for inspiration so I hope to act on them.

Okay, I think that's all.  I'm bloody tired and it's only 20:09 - and I don't care.  I'll be going to bed in an hour or so (I say that, but I'll want to watch Greys, so I might veg on the couch).  I feel bad that I didn't make it to Mass tonight (or choir for that fact), but I feel better taking it easy at home.  I'll go next Thursday when I feel a little more used to the new schedule.

For those of you who I haven't spoken to in a while.. drop a line. I wonder how you're doing :)

Hope everyone else had a great week as it comes to a close.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Monday, November 1, 2010

Back.. With Pictures!

I don't think I've never posted for an entire week before.  Sorry.  More studying, more self-learning.  So.. to make it up to you, I'm going to add pictures today (that I've been meaning to post for weeks now).  (CZ - I'll have your USB drive for you this week, pictures uploaded.)

Enjoy!  Fall 2010.  Hope it brightens your day as winter is approaching us (we had snow for the first time yesterday!).  Please click them to make them bigger, they really do look better.

I was walking to JK's one day and caught this tree.  I love fall trees that have all the colours; red, green, yellow.  

The walk to work one day

As I entered the park on a walk, all I could hear was 'crunch, crunch, crunch'.  It was marvelous :)

Park

I really love this picture when it's enlarged.  A sea of gold...

I was laying on the ground on a slight hill, enjoying the sun and I thought I'd look up.  I took a few other pictures, but then I found this guy.  I had to act fast.  A blue jay, I believe?

This and the next few were while I was laying on the ground.  I channeled my inner A. (Thanks A. :) ).









That's all for today.  Hope everyone has a good Monday!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Late Night Banter

I sit here on a Sunday night.  A couple of low lights on, no electronics, so it's quiet.  It's about my bedtime, but I know if I lay down I won't be able to sleep, so I thought I would talk about a few things on my mind that have been stirring for a while.  I finished my second assignment, by the way, which is why you see me here :)  But it won't be long before I'll be back at it again (tomorrow).

I've been highly sensitive lately.  I suppose that comes with clearing out some old ghosts and making room for new.  With all the 'growing pains' that have happened the last couple weeks, I think things are starting to bring about an even keel again but now I'm left feeling...... well, I can't quite think of the word.  I'm over-reacting (in my head) to simple things people are saying to me.  Even random everyday shit.  I mean, yes, it's personal and directed at me, but I'm pretty sure it's not inflicted as I'm taking it.  So this causes more stepping back and.... maybe not even analyzing this time.  Maybe just.. stepping back.  Sit in the quiet.  Let things work out on their own.  I know it'll pass.  It's funny; the older I get the more I have patience for things, or the more I have acceptance of things (read: less OCD and control-freakish).  I suppose this is normal.  Perhaps I won't use the word "old", it kinda freaks me out (when I say a little I mean a lot).  We'll say.... maturing.  Feeling a little lonely tonight and a lot cuddlish as I think about sitting back and letting life pass by a little.

Oh yeah, coffee guy.. not so significant anymore.  Which is to say, he was, but it's passed.

Speaking of which, heard from the past last week.  It was good.

Well, I've been continuing to cut down on my sugar.  Hydra, have you been doing the same, as you've suggested??  What will I try to cut next?  Self-perception (and feel) of body image continues to be tremendously poor.  More work to be done.

Oh, having two visits by two out-of-town friends this week.  Really looking forward to that.

I don't want to talk about work. I'm leaving work behind tonight.

Well, I guess I don't really have much else to talk about.  I really am tired and should get some sleep tonight.

Oh!  I was given some basic music/singing lessons this weekend by a professional? Semi-professional?  I'm not sure what you'd call her.  Anyways, they helped!  I sung better this morning.  And I think our choir sounded REALLY good today.  Strong.  It was nice.  I controlled my breathing a lot better and sang a bit stronger.

Having a dinner party this coming weekend, with only a confirmed 2 guests (oh, btw CZ, I'm hosting; but we'll talk).  Small is good (and comfortable), but I was hoping for a little more.

Alright.  I'm tired.  My body won.  I hope everyone had a great weekend!

P.S - If you're subscribed via email, you may see there's been edits to past posts.  You can more than likely ignore these, I might just be adding/editing tags/labels.  Thanks :)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It Couldn't Be Further From The Truth....

As read with my horoscope this week. I thought I would grab a snippet of it as it explains what I'm going through (better than I can articulate).

".. growth doesn't happen without some growing pains. This is one of those weeks where the discomfort is the space between two comfort zones, and the comfort zones are the space between two discomforts".

Oh, the growing pains :(  I really hope it's alleviated by the full moon Friday.  I seriously need my universe to balance out again.   Until then, I'll be in hiding.

Monday, October 18, 2010

A Dream, On The Bucket List

I want to go here. SFW.  tyvm.

Quotes

I'm not sure the format this is supposed to be written in, so I hope this is okay..

Fear less,
hope more.
Eat less,
chew more.
Whine less,
breathe more.
Talk less,
say more.
Hate less,
love more
and good things will be yours.
~ Swedish Proverb

Perspective?

I don't care for the title today, but it's the only one that fits.  The world has challenged me greatly lately and I'm about feeling the over-load.  Some people are busy and challenged with school or work, I'm challenged with self-reflection and improvement (okay, studies too, and that's weighing me down just as much).  I just saw how that sounds.  Is that selfish?  I hope not; it's not how it's meant.  Anyways, this is a brief (cryptic) post and I'm going to keep it on track.

I got a new insight to an old situation.  At least, I think that's what it is.  I've been having signs from the universe again.  I ignored them for the longest time, but as usual, the more I ignore, the more predominant they become.  How long does faith in something carry you?

Along the self-improvement line... the Leadership series at work is almost done.  We've got one more session to go.  I've already learned *so* much and have been trying to apply it.  The upper echelons seem to be impressed and I'm silently wondering if it's making an impact yet.  I'm changing; I see and feel it.  But I've entered into a bit of a .. what would you call it.. I feel like I'm stuck between two worlds.  I thought to myself today I don't want to do manual labour for much longer as much as I enjoy it (I'm not being facetious) but I don't yet know if I'm qualified (or ready) to sit behind a desk.  I want it.. and I look forward to that moment in life.. but right now I'm trying to even see if I can mesh what I enjoy doing with.. a desk job.  How can you reach and connect with people behind a desk?  I suppose people do it all the time.  I don't know if I'll do it at the hospital.  I'll continue to stay there as long as it challenges me, but as soon as I move to days, there's no more challenge left.  My mind is hungry for more.  The thing is, with union bureaucratic bullshit, it's hard to obtain any other position.  Anyways, that's a rant for another day.  Lot on my mind about my career.

Well, that's all I have to say tonight.  Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Friday, October 15, 2010

YUM

So, I obtained a Brandy Spiced Peaches recipe that you make in the crock pot, add brandy and let sit for two days.  Oh. My. God.  You must try this.  It's very easy and..... when you try it you're not sure what to expect.  Will one flavour over-power another?  Will the brandy have made it too strong?  It all melds together beautifully.  Not one flavour over-powers another, in my opinion.  Top it off with whipped cream (homemade, for me) and.. yum.  I'm anxious to see if anyone else is willing to try this and if you'd make any adjustments.

Had choir practice last night.  I seriously need to teach myself how to read music.  It's not coming back to me quickly enough as I'd like.  I can read it a bit and enough to get me by, but.. ugh.  Last night, for me, was a disaster.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Quotes

‎"I was with God, I was with the devil...God took me." 
~ Mario Sepulveda, Miner #2

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Quotes

If you don't show your appreciation to your people, then they're going to stop caring, and then you're going to find yourself out of business.
~ a branch manager from Wells Fargo Bank (obtained from Leadership)

Peaceful Monday

Remember at the beginning of the weekend I wrote that I wasn't able to (literally) sit still?  I have no problem sitting still today.  The majority of my weekend was 'meh' but yesterday was much needed.  I got to spend the whoooooole day with family.  We went to a neighbouring town for a "Soup Off" - various vendors/restaurants bring their best soup and you buy a soup bowl (made by a local artist.. I'll have to take a picture of mine) and you wander around and taste everyone's soup and vote for the best one.  Sadly, my parents restaurant did not win (though we figured out contributing factors to why) but two of the other soups I also voted for (there were 3 categories) won :)  A yummy mushroom soup (broth-based, not cream-based) and a Purple People Eater soup (yup - it was purple.. using purple potatoes and purple carrots).  I'm not a big soup person but a lot of them were very yummy!  And too much cream soup made me a little ill, but it passed.

Anyhoo.. got off track.  Got together with family in the morning for breakfast.  I can say it was the first time in months (years?) that we've all been at the same table together (time, schedules and distance often separates us). Even with boyfriends (soon-to-be-fiancĂ© I hope!) and pregnant girlfriends (I'm going to be an aunt again!), it was a full table of 8 (after being with CZ's family of...what was it at one time? Like.. 18? it seems not very much at all).  Went back to the farm after breakfast, relaxed and headed to the Soup Off.  Then after that we went back home, my sister and her family had to get back on the road and I stayed back and kicked it with the 'rents for a while.  I got home around 8 or so and had a very relaxing evening.  Did up some dishes (I'm sure they self-multiply) and took care of a few things that I'd been putting off.  Did some reading and went to bed! Zzzzzz....

Today I have laundry, some much-needed cleaning and my last Leadership session.  Don't want to sit around too much; the apartment won't clean itself.  Canadians... Hope you had a great Thanksgiving weekend and Americans.. Hope you had a great weekend, period :)  Brits.. did you have any holidays this weekend?

Happy Tuesday!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

I've just had lunch.  Babu's laying contently on the ottoman (post-claw trimming).  I'm sipping a very hot coffee (just eaten with a very yummy biscotti).  Looking out the window on this wonderful sort of Indian Summer day (with windows open a smidge).  I'm procrastinating, though.  I've vowed that I'm taking it slow today (after an extremely stressful week) and yet it's hard for me to just... sit here.  I've gotten up several times since I clicked on the keyboard for my first word and I keep intentionally looking for distractions. Nope.  I will force myself to slow down and sit here. *look at coffee*  *look outside*  *look at Babu*  *watch Babu roll over*  *get tempted to take more pictures of Babu*  *look at coffee again*  *look out window*  *hold coffee in hands to warm them while staring out window*   Geez, you'd think I was ADD.

Work has been the biggest stresser this week.  I apologize I can't say much (being aware of my potential audience) but I am learning more about people.. and not in a good way.  How people change, not always for the better.  How people can hold resentment and grudges and bitterness.  How respect for management can rise and fall to the day.  This is the week I wanted to look for a new job... and you know how much I love my job.  This week was the breaking point.  That is, until I slowed down yesterday and realized if I had any ownership in it.  Not much, most of it is with other people, but I allowed myself to get more angry than a) I'm accustomed to and b) more than I'm comfortable with.  I'm not an angry person.  Sure, I throw a good vent.  If I put my heart into it, I could throw enough curse words in to make a sailor blush (we should have a contest sometime, L. ;)  ).  But.... anger serves no one, least of all ourselves.  I account myself this week to being a less-than-perfect human (yes, it's an oxymoron).  I let emotions get the rise and didn't have enough discipline to slow down and ask Him for grace and strength.  I feel I let Him down for all the anger that consumed me.  So, I took a step back.  When people ask why I had a bad week, I don't discuss it (thus it would fuel the anger again).  "Just work," I'll say and I'll monitor my actions and thoughts and try to move on.  These are the weeks that I question myself if I need to look for a new job.  Or a new department.  Or a new career?  Then I stake another step back and realize some peoples lives are worse than mine so that usually makes me stfu for a while.

Another issue that has been on the back of my mind is my weight.  Every day I see myself and every day I'm not happy.  I had a big moment this week when I admitted to myself that I can't do it alone.  I just can't.  I've hit bottom.  I have cut down the sugar a little, but that's it.  Okay, maybe not really.  Yeah I have a little because it was upsetting my stomach too much.  Anyways, the defeatist in me is coming out again so that's about all I have to say about this.

I am strong.  I have physical strength and I have mental and emotional strength.  But, I fear you will not see that in these posts.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

As I Continue To Bare My Soul......

I'm not sure I have much to write about this morning, but I'll see what comes out.

It's a dreary, gloomy, rainy Saturday morning.  I was going to go to market, but I'm going to stay in instead (save money and keep myself in from the weather).  There's a cold or some sort of sickness going around, so I need to keep my resistance up as much as possible.  Lord knows I pick up enough from the hospital alone.

The past couple days have been nice catching up with a couple of friends, rather by phone or visit.  Much needed.

My mood was pretty low the past week though it's been a bit better as of late.  I've chalked it up to PMS.  I still forget my mood swings aren't as... violent, we'll say... as they were before on the pill.  It still takes some getting used to.  I'm still trying to find non-hormonal methods of birth control and I've come up with the copper IUD, but having a piece of metal inserted into my body semi-permanently sort of weirds me out.  Not sure about that one yet.  So the search continues (not that there's much to choose from).  I guess one has to have sex in order to worry about birth control. *sighs*  I joked on my status last night on Facebook that I need to invent Rent-A-Boyfriend :)  (ha, no, not for sex. The originating motive was because I was feeling cuddly.. with no one to cuddle.  That always sucks.)  Anyhoo...the mood hasn't helped that I've been feeling...how can I politely say... well, like a cow.  I've gained 10lbs and it's really brought me down.  So, I've sort of given up.  I'm eating whatever (well, I can't consciously eat "whatever" because the "whatever" is dictated by my stomach) and the defeatist in me is not caring.  I'm alone.  Who cares.  No one's here to notice anyways.  Yeah... there's a lot of negative self-talk going on upstairs.  Yesterday was an odd day, though.  Yesterday I had a lot of energy (it could in part be due to all the sugar I consumed.  I'm really surprised I didn't go into a coma).  But it was a 'healthy' sort of energy.  I was walking around differently, standing tall, could do multiple stair runs.  It was odd.  Unfortunately, a rare occurrence.  Bleh.

I mean, I've been eating like it was going out of style (and it's all sugar, which of course, has been making me sick).  I know most of it is the PMS, because I don't always eat this often, but for example..... this past week at work was Employee Appreciation Week in our department.  There was cake yesterday.  Sweet, full-of-sugar-icing cake.  It was divided into chunks to be transported home, or wherever (to help get rid of it).  I had a small piece on shift and then I took one of those chunks home.  Did I need to?  God no and I knew that at the time when I had it in my hands.  I literally heard myself say, "I don't need this".  But I grabbed it anyways. So I was curious as to why I did (PMS aside).  I felt like a kid again; the 10 year old who always rushed to get the last of something, or seconds, or whatever.  I literally felt like her again.  So... what have I not resolved in the last 20-some years?  WHY did I go for that cake?  Why did I feel I was 10?  Why, when I was 10, did I feel I had to scramble to eat anything left over?  It certainly wasn't discouraged by my parents.  I think there's a lot on my mind right now and it is a problem that won't be solved today.  One thing to make note of, though.... I've noticed the past 24hrs (especially laying in bed last night) that my internal respiratory organs have increased; higher heart rate, faster breathing, feeling more anxious.  I never 'got' why diabetes (for those new reading, I don't have, but perhaps classified as pre-diabetic) increased cardiac problems, but now I have my proof.  I really need to calm down and just....calm down.

The Leadership series at work is going well, but I got a kick in my self-righteous ass this week.  It was a bit of a shot to my ego.  Lets just say I became a bit humbled.  It was needed.  I *hated* it and I was a bit offended at the time, don't get me wrong, but it was much needed.  Also took things a little more personally than probably necessary (who? me? you josh :)  /sarcasm ).  So I'm still working on this week's info.  I'm learning a lot about myself.

In fact, I think I'll start working on some of that now.

I'm not sure why I tell you everything in my head.  Some of this is really *too* personal of stuff, but I thank you, gentle reader, for being kind and not judging.  I've still got a lot of stuff to work out and I'm sure I'll continue to tell you my steps along the way, so thanks for the 'ear'.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Vintage Ads

Found these sites via Biomes this morning.  Hilarious.

The first one is 25 Vintage Ads That Would Be Banned Today.  I had some of that Love's Baby Soft!  Gosh, can't remember how old I was.  Some I remember, some I don't and my mouth dropped to the floor.  Really?  Starting babies on cola?  Or, "It's a man's world"?  Oy.  Makes me wonder what today's ads will appear like 30 years from now :)

The second is 15 Vintage Computer Ads That Used To Be Cool.  For all Mac officionadoes, there's some Apple in there for ya :)  Remember a few of those, too.

Also found this one, 18 Cool Inventions From The Past.  Interesting, to say the least.



Edit: Added a site.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Can't Eat What I Used To...

Just so you know, potatoes are the devil.

Also, I can't eat (canned, Campbell's) tomato soup anymore.

*sighs and rubs belly*  :(

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Work Update

Well all, I have good news.  I applied for and received a new position at work.  Same as what I'm doing now, but days (not afternoon/evenings like I work now; there may be some of those, but a rarity) and more hours.  Lots of opportunities to pick up more shifts.  Really looking forward to the change.  NOT looking forward to getting up at the crack of stupid (shift starts at 0630, so I'm up at 0500).  God isn't even up at that hour, for crying out loud.

Did I mention there was a lot of change coming this fall?  I felt it.  I said it, even if it was just in my head :)

Hope you're having a great week!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Quotes

“God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which he has not committed to another." 
~ Cardinal Newman (from Meditations on Christian Doctrine).  He will become Blessed tomorrow from Pope Benedict XVI


LOVE this quote.  

Monday, September 20, 2010

Consciousoplasty

In retrospect, I don't think that my loneliness comes from lack of human contact so much (it can't be that, because I have it and I'm still lonely) so that hints it's emotional and/or spiritual (well, that's a given).  I realized I don't feel needed anymore (physical needs not broached here).  No one's come to me for advice.  No one's needed my help.  No one's needed to lean on me or rely on me for anything.  This is how I've defined my character; how much I'm at a service to others.  When that service depletes, I feel 'less' of a human (I need to examine if that statement is correct as I'm not sure if that's what I want to say here).  Perhaps I want to say.. incomplete.

Also, because I have standards for people keeping in touch with me on certain levels or expectations, doesn't mean that's what their standards are.  I understand I take it personally and I understand that's my problem.  What makes me desire to be held in someone's certain...regard... is unknown.  That's where I think I don't matter.  "If they're not paying attention to me or writing me as often as they used to, I must be unimportant."

Which isn't to say I'm any better.  I am pretty sure I don't conform to some people's expectations of communication (my mother, for one).

Self confidence.  Well, obviously part of that is shot out the window.

Why do we have different levels of needs?  Why am I getting upset at friends' lack of contact?  Why am I being such a girl about this guy not calling me back (even though he told me he was busy)?  Why are womens and mens expectations/needs different?  Why do I feel like I'm in the middle of a black hole?  Why can't I feel the love that I see I do have from my friends?  Yes, I feel like an ass right now and yes I want to bury myself in a hole.

So many questions

Cerebralectomy

I've done a lot of internalizing this weekend.  Mostly all today.  Even though I was in very social surroundings, I was very quiet, very much "in my head".  I've been anxious since yesterday without any particular reason.  I am going to speak of random things without much order or sense.

Have you ever been out and seen who you thought.. you were *sure*.. was someone you knew, only it wasn't?  You saw their 'twin'.  Perhaps their... doppelganger, if you will.  I still remember the day I thought I saw a public school friend of mine at a park event; this was years ago and I still remember it.  Wasn't sure if it was her at first and I literally almost had to stare at this person and follow them to make sure if it was/wasn't her.  It wasn't.  But, she was important to me and it shook me up a little.  My sister says she thought she saw me once, as her masseur (listen, if I was doing that job, I would be better off than I am now).  I was told by someone today they 'saw' me.  What is it that draws people from our past to us in the present?  Why does it shake us up?  Does it mean anything?  Was it coincidence?  If everything happens for a reason, what was the reason for that?  Why do I seek answers to things that have no answer?

I fear I'm not important to anyone.  I'm no one's priority (Babu doesn't count - he's dependent..heh).  I don't even mean to imply that I have to 'belong' to someone or be someone's significant other.  Even though I have someone(s) it doesn't mean I feel any more a part of something.. or of someone.  I even mean to friends; no one's finding time to communicate with me like they used to.  Is it something I've done?  Do I need to change who I am?  I'm just feeling very alone regardless of who or what's in my life right now.  Yes, it may be irrational, but it's there.

I have been feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin lately.  I don't care for this.

Random: Compliance.  Ending?

I watched American's Extreme Home Makeover and it made me wonder if there's not something I can do for the better.  Who can I help?  What can I do to make the world a better place?  Yeah, it brought out the warm-fuzzies.  I hate that show for that.  Sometimes I just want to keep them locked in.  It's easier.

I came across someone today for a repeated time that I feel drawn to.  I don't know what draws me to this person and for the simple fact we don't even know each other that well; sort of by.. association.  At first I thought it was an attraction, but the more I examined it, the more I realized I think the universe is prompting me to get to know this person.  But how?  How do I get to know someone when we never talk, never even really have a chance of talking, never associate with each other outside of a few times a year of chance gatherings??  Am I being vague enough for you?

That's about all I have to say today.  Sorry it's not more positive.  It's not written from a 'self pity' sort of angle, I'm just calling it like I see it (read: how I feel it).  I'm going to continue to be quiet until I get more studying done, so I apologize for some continued random absence.  Medical Terminology is kicking me in the arse (learning latin, biology and new terms all in one shot will do that to ya).  And I have yet to write about last weekends Jazz Festival and Nuit Blanche (SO much fun); I even took pictures!

Happy Monday everyone - I hope the week starts off fabulous for you :)

Edit: Forgot to add something.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Still No Words.. But Lots of Pictures!

I still don't have words for you, but I do have pictures in the meantime.

Walked into the kitchen and saw this one day. 

He's cute :)

Those covers *were* pulled up to the pillows.  Not anymore...

We were getting some bad weather and I saw this sky as I came home.  I thought the different colours were fantastic.  Click to make bigger.  I also took another picture.......

...and I saw more of the two colours.  

I was making the bed one day.  Babu likes to 'help'.  Bunny-kick!

This picture makes me laugh.  He's got such big eyes.  This was after a bit of a pause.  "What do you mean we're not playing anymore?"

Play time again!  He's under there..somewhere.

I see a tail!

He's got such an uninterested look on his face.  "Wut?"

I received these battle wounds at the time.  Thanks, buddy.

Ahh... all tuckered out, now.

Ended up falling asleep under the sheets. 
"Say goodnight, Gracie."  "Goodnight, Gracie"


Thursday, September 9, 2010

Still Alive

Forgive my lack of posting lately.  I'm here, but things feel a little hectic right now.  I'm taking the Leadership seminar series at work, I've enrolled in one more class this fall not two like (last minute) planned.  I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning for my pelvis for my gurl stuff (which started a new cycle AGAIN yesterday, tyvm) and I have to drink a litre of water and hold it for an hour.  Did I mention I have a bladder the size of a pea?  Good times.

I have pictures I want to upload and patient stories I want to share, in due time.  Just bear with me :)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Quotes

Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.
~ Albert Schweitzer


...as told in my Leadership session yesterday at work.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Quotes

Who so loves, believes the impossible.
~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Friday, September 3, 2010

Out With The Old?

Something just occurred to me this morning (regardless that it's been fact for over a month now).  I just finished a school program.  Me.  ME!  WTF just happened?!  *stares blankly*  I... finished something.  You don't understand how huge this is for me.  I always got shitty grades in high school (I'm talking C-average) and when I went to college for Architecture I got about B's mostly, but dropped out (various reasons we're *not* going to talk about here).  I had a passion for it, but it didn't come naturally.  THIS is coming naturally.  What fruit it bears, I'm anxious to see.  I maintained my A-average, by the way :)

This morning I decided to take an extra 2 courses (not full program like I just completed).  These will also be assets on the resume.  I really put off doing these because I didn't think I'd have the mental capacity this fall (I really wanted a break from school and I've been feeling poor physically, which is affecting me mentally), but I need to have faith it will work out.  I know if I work hard I can do it.

I'm also taking a Leadership lecture series with the hospital (once a week for several weeks, for a couple hours/session, unpaid) which my department Director has fully backed me up on taking.  The good: Points on the resume, improving self.  The bad: I've pretty much committed to being at the hospital 7 days a week, for the next few weeks now.  If if this doesn't make me slightly homicidal, I don't know what will.

I went to the Pulmonologist this week (nearly missing my app't - I was an hour late and he took me in an hour after I got there).  He got the results of the trial and asked me what I thought, if I liked the machine (no), how often I used it (half to less than half) and if it did any good (so-so).  Despite me telling him the Breathe Right nose strips have been working wonders (sleeping through the night and helping me feel a little better), he still wants me to get the CPAP machine.  Whatever.  Did he read the results at all?  Did he read that the Respirologist thinks I don't *need* the machine?  I'm sure he has to advocate it and I'm sure he had to say the nose strips aren't a solution to sleep apnea.  He's confident if I lose some weight it'll solve everything.  I agree, only easier said than done.  THAT challenge is NOT going well :(

I canned peached for the first time on Tuesday.  It went... alright.  Slightly stressful for my first time.  Might get help next year if I do it again.  They didn't turn out perfect and will be a little mushy, but it should just be me eating them (I'm hesitant to share a less-than-perfect product), so I'm not at all worried about it.

Raining today.  Hope it lets up a bit for my walk to work.

And now, I shall turn up Vivaldi's Four Seasons.....

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Quotes

Follow your bliss and don't be afraid and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.
~ Joseph Campbell, American mythologist

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Early Morning Ramblings

Okay, so it's not so early (0940 here), but it's Sunday and so peacefully quiet.  I love Sunday mornings.  I made french toast this morning and I debated on turning on some music (I was undecided, it would be classical or chants or hymnal) but I decided on quiet instead.  Of course, then I get thinking.  This is what I came up with...

I went to bed a little upset last night.  Well, more sad than upset.  After shedding the "700lbs", the weight was off (almost literally) but I felt I was destined to end up alone.  Cat lady. Spinster (which definition can either mean 'female spinner of thread' or 'still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying'.  Seeing as it's not the 14th century anymore, I'm going to let you take a crack at which one I mean).  It occurred to me this morning that I was sad about being lonely because of lack of men.  Gah.  How shallow (don't worry CZ, I can already hear your voice from here).  I will and I won't apologize for it.  I will because, well yeah, but I won't because I'm at "that age" where I want to settle down and I'm not and it's frustrating.  Even if I didn't want these thoughts at all, I don't think I could help it because they seem so innate at this point.  Since I'm such a caretaker by nature, I want someone to take care OF (I hear your voice here, too!).  Why God would give me this gift and not give me a man to fulfill it is beyond me (I've sort of stopped typing and have been staring at the screen for the last 5 minutes at this point, unsure of what to say next). ............................ ..........................................thought process still paused..............................................

Right, so, moving onto something else until that gets resolved.  I've been doing an overhaul of the apartment this weekend.  There are piles of papers and clothes and other miscellaneous items that have been lying around and driving me nuts.  I finally cleaned and organized.  I threw out.  I shredded.  I donated.  My bedroom looks a little more normal, though I'm still displeased with it in many ways.  I want to de-clutter.  I want to purge.  Yes, even large items.  I REALLY want to figure out something to solve the echo I can hear in my living room.  Sorry, random.

Most of all lately, I have been craving to have a dinner party!  It's starting to drive me crazy.  Or not even a dinner party but a regular party.  I haven't held a party in over a year and I think I'm starting to have withdrawl.  Yes.  Something must be done about this.

Alright, well, I'm all thought-out for now.  I'm going to continue to have a quiet morning and go to work this afternoon.  Hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday and you spend it with someone you love (or alone! Alone works, too!).

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Peaches

Oh how the universe taunts me.

I woke up extra early this morning to go to market to get - as agreed upon (with a lady) - peaches for canning.  Mental note: market is much less busy at 0800 than 1100.  Anyhoo... I've been speaking with this lady for the past month about when the best time is for the right peaches for canning.  Finally, this was the week.  So last week she said she'd bring a very large basket (11 qt worth), slightly bruised peaches for a very affordable price. Deal.  I arrived at her stand early this morning and she didn't have them.  She completely forgot as her van was full with other produce.  I'm very glad you got to bring in new tomatoes and peaches and strawberries, but I was counting on those peaches.  I'd said to her, "And this was the only weekend I had off to can."  I was waiting for her to offer another regular basket discounted for the inconvenience, but I guess that was too much to ask.  She did offer a small basket, slightly bruised for $2, so I took that, plus a larger basket.  They'll have to sit out and ripen, now.  I'm off Tuesday, so maybe I can do it then.  She gave me some paper bags to speed up the ripening process, so I hope that helps (anyone know how long this takes?).  And if I don't have enough peaches, at this point I'll just buy them at the store.  The whole situation was starting to get stressful and right now I just can't deal, so, I'll do what I have to do.

I've also been toying with making and freezing pies.  I'm not really a big pie person, but I've had a huge urge to do this lately.  And cheesecake.  I want to make a cheesecake.

So, since my day has opened up a little, I think I'll enjoy a quiet day to myself.  I've got a boat-load of laundry to do and I want to finish cleaning/organizing my bedroom, etc that I started the other day.  Since I got rid of that 700lbs, I'm in quite the 'purging' mode and feel like cleaning the place out.  I've already deleted a lot of things off the computer.

How's your Saturday going?

Random

Did I say I got rid of 175lbs?  I'm sorry.  I meant 700.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Updates & Stuff

I'm having a tea this morning instead of coffee.  Letting go of coffee has been easier than I thought.  I'm not cutting it out completely, but I'm not having it everyday like I used to.  Maybe once or twice a week or so.  I was going to say it's easier to let go of something when it brings you discomfort, but that's not always the case (as is with coffee; I was having 2-3 cups a day).  I'm not sure where to start when it comes to updating you on what's going on, so I'm just going to start babbling.....

School - Courses are completed (I'm sure I've mentioned this by now) but I still have to figure out my overall average for the program.  Hmm.. maybe it's listed online.  Let me check my account.  Hmm.. but that means I have to find a paper with my student number on it.  Which also reminds me, I have to apply for my certificate.  .....*ruffles around with papers in bedroom*......*looks for 20 min but can't find anything*..... Right, well, that's going to have to wait.  I really need to get in there and clean up.

I've been hearing more blue jays the past few mornings and geese the past couple.  It's that time of year again.  I've got my living room window slightly closed; it's really dropped in temperature overnight (down to 9C).  The days are lovely, though (around 25C/75F).

Work - I think hours will be cut more in October than September as planned.  The later the better for me.  In September I'm taking a Leadership course.  It's a once-a-week lecture (for several weeks) to improve, obviously, your leadership skills.  This is important for me as I have the drive to lead, but lack some... how shall we say.. tact :)  I'm there to do a job and I will direct you to get said job done.  Only, not all people like my directness and I have to.. *shudder*... soften my edge a little.  Honestly, I hate conforming.  It's not for me.  But, having said that, I understand you attract more flies with honey.  Maybe I can look at it differently than 'conforming'.  Hmm.  Oh, funny story:  An email was sent out to pick up the course materials.  I went down to pick them up and as she handed them to me I said I already received them.  She looked puzzled.  She said, "Are you sure?  I just made these yesterday."  Me, "Um... yeah.  I received them in an inter-office envelope last week."  We both pause and look puzzled.  "Are you SURE?" she says.  "Yup."  So it's a total mystery as to how I got the same course material a week before she made it.  Odd, indeed.  Meant to be?

Health - I've been sleeping okay for the most part.  The Breathe-Right nose strips have been a God-send.  They let me sleep through an entire night now and I feel more rested the next day.  I think I still feel really run down from my forever-lasting cycle.  I'm taking ferrous fumerate (a form of iron) to try and give myself a boost, so I've cut down to half a pill a day because it was upsetting my stomach something severe.  I'm not really noticing a difference, to be honest.  I will try to get my next B12 shot soon.  I've been cracking down on my eating habits again as I was getting a little lazy (it really is hard to recognize and resist so many carbs!).

Personal Growth - Boy, I don't think I have enough time in the day or space in this entry to write everything that's happened the past 72 hours.  Lets just say I feel the weight has been lifted off my back.  175lbs of weight, that is.

Cryptic - Remember my significant coffee friend?  Yes.

I read this, this morning: Scientists Crack Wheat's Genetic Code.  I have a sneaky suspicion this isn't an entirely good thing.

This article made my stomach turn: Women Need Antibiotics Before (not after) C-Section.  Just.. wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.  I understand in some cases it may be needed, but.. man.  (Note: yes, my opinion, not based on medical fact, but I'll be DAMNED if you stick me with a) something I don't want and b) something that will get into my baby's bloodstream, also what I don't want).  /rant

I have a random craving for a Starbucks Tazo Chai Latte.  Thanks, CS :P

It was JH's birthday yesterday.  A ripe 25.  I woke her up early (muahahaha) and arrived at her door with flowers and took her out for breakfast.  I remember 25; I also did a lot of maturing at that age.  Things change.  Priorities in you shift.  Do *you* remember 25? :)

Prayer Life - I've found this fantastic site, Pray-As-You-Go (it's UK-based, as it turns out) and they have daily prayers you can download (on the site, or to an mp3 player).  I've listened to them every morning this week, almost first thing before my day starts (but of course, you can listen to them whenever, this is just what works for me) and they're just fantastic.  They last about 10-13 min, so if you can spare the time (or curiosity), I encourage you to give it a go.

Yesterday I tried, Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred.  Holy hell, am I sore today.  If I had more energy this morning, I would have given it another go, but I'm not feeling great.  There are a lot of girls at work trying it and I thought why not.  I need an extra kick in the ass.  It will definitely tone you, that's for sure.  At this point, even if it skims an inch off I'll be happy.  I'll keep you posted.  (I'll also keep you posted if I keep it up.  Aries are famous for starting things, but never finishing them.)

Well, I think I've talked your ear off today.  It's Friday and my weekend off, only I picked up a shift for Sunday.  I don't ever work my weekends off (I get so few) but this person begged and pleaded (okay, I might have a bit of a soft-spot inside, but don't tell anyone).  The hours will be nice on the next paycheque.  Tomorrow I'll be going to market early-early to get peaches for canning.  Wish me luck!!  Hope everyone has a great weekend!  Get out and enjoy the weather :)

Later Edit: Forgot to include a link.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Quote Confusion

"Familiarity breeds contempt".

I've had this quote in my head the past few days.  I can't tell you why.  I can only tell you it comes up when I think about key issues in my life.  It's bothering me, really, because I can't get it out.  To tell the truth, I don't even really know if I *understand* it.

Maybe I need to talk it out.  I don't know.

Late Night Ramblings

I called a close friend last night to catch up; our lives have taken their own path and have been so busy we haven't been able to touch base for a while.  We were talking about our prospective ex's and she said something that was quite sober; that she was with her last ex because she imagines he just filled a need for her at the time, whatever 'that' need was (still in personal retrospect).  It happens.  I'm guilty.  I know what need my ex-ex filled and what my ex filled (thought that was more 'whole' and complex than anything I've had in the past).  What will the next one fill?  What need will I need tending?  How can I stay ahead of the game?  What else do I need to learn so I don't continue any more breakups?  Do we identify consciously WHAT our needs are?  Does that help?  Acknowledgement is one thing, attainment is another.

I hear someone else's voice in my head (you know who you are, girl).  This is why it's important to be filled with Christ; He fills those needs for us.  We are always to turn to God - in good, in bad, in all the in-between.  We are to look to Him and create a relationship with Him that will keep us on the right path.

If you're not religious in any form and think I'm crazy, you might not be far off.  Well, maybe not too much crazy, but it IS difficult, even for the best of us.  I'm horrible at it.  Horrible.  I still struggle with my relationship with Christ at the best of times.  Choosing someone you can't see to be your life saver, your confidant, your other half whole, is by far the most challenging thing you can do.  But also the most rewarding.  Not that I would know.

I will give more effort to include God in my decisions with my next mate, though I think He already has had a hand in it ;)

Sorry if I waxed spiritual.  I'm tired but not yet ready for bed.  Mind is running.  To think I still want to do some meditation, prayer before bed.  I best not say the rosary until I'm near done; it always puts me to peaceful slumber.

Copyright Text